ostentations

my favorite holiday...

2009-10-11T02:09:00.004+08:00

i was on my way home.

...then something felt really different. i looked around. then a little shiver sting my spine. it was the wind. i looked up. checked the not-so cloudy sky. i reckon, there's no rain. then realized, the south winds are now blowing minutely. then i smiled. and i told myself - it's already the Christmas season...

i think Christmas is my favorite holiday. since i was a little boy, when the innocence was undeniable, when the only indicators that Christmas is near was when the tall grass along the road bear their flowers (well i'm not sure if they were considered their flowers though. i don;t know how it is called in English but in tagalog it's called talahib), i already felt this way. and up until now, it is still the same... nothing has changed. im always elated. and the feeling is really good...

and there i was, counting my steps going home. then it struck me. a grim in my face confirmed it. i have yet realized that it was Christmas that i am looking forward each year... just that single moment, for my 24 years of existence - that Friday night. I felt good.

i love christmas...

tired...

2009-09-09T11:37:00.000+08:00

sometimes i think if what i do makes me feel tired. well, there are a lot of responsibilities that i need to fill in. a lot of times, more often than not, i perceive the thing i do as simple things. that no matter how complicated things may be, i will find ways to solve it. beacuse i believe that anybody can do anything if they have the will to do it. lately i was bombarded with responsibilities and things that are way too off hand if you will try to look at it in an angle.

phone etiquette

2008-12-18T04:01:00.000+08:00

in my experience of doing hundreds of phone calls, i came to realize that even at this age where people uses phones to communicate every now and then, there are still some, or if i may say, many, that doesn't know phone ethics. some people i may say doesn't even know how to respect the people they are conversing with in a telephone conversation.

it gets into my nerves every time i phone an office (schools, industries, government offices) when the one who receives the call doesn't know how to answer politely. A simple hello with a polite sound will do. But hey, people still don't do it. Sad. Irritating. Then, as the conversation flows, hell, i met numerous people that usually cuts you even as you speak. They are always in a hurry without really understanding what you wanted to say. Some even drops the line without waiting for your affirmation. Even some transfers you to some department without telling you what department it is and when you reached that department, and of course you will ask what department it is, some will even hang up on you. Whew! What a blast! I just hope receiving and having these kind of calls will be lessened...

Phone ethics people! Have you heard of it?

basted...

2008-10-30T06:16:00.000+08:00

masakit pala ang mabasted... ang sakit sakit pala...

thank God, naramdaman ko na. siguro yun yung kulang sa recipe ko... para mas magkaron ng lasa. ang maramdaman ang rejection...

hay... ang hirap pala pag ang nangyayari e hinihingi mo ang pang-unawa, yung tipong kailangan mo talagang magmakaawa para maintindihan ka... at least ngayon alam ko na kung pano ang nararamdaman ng isang taong nabasted. walang ipinag-iba sa kung ano ang nararamdaman ko ngayon. hay. ang sakit pala talaga.

masakit ang mabasted.

basted.

oo.

ako.

bumps and turns...

2008-10-29T16:21:00.006+08:00

This whole thing is slowly turning in a different league. It has been a hurdle. But the sad thing is who’s hurdling. Yeah. Hurdle can’t be a hurdle without the people running and jumping. It is getting too tiring, really. Encouraging people, making them understand how to see the situation. But how can you encourage a person who already surrendered all of his arms and just be with you in the war that you are in? How can you manage to tell them that being in a battle without guns and explosives will not let them survive and will lead to losing the war? How can you open a door that does not exist on the other side? The saddest part of the story is when you are misinterpreted if your only goal is to let them see the other side of the mountain – flip the coin. What is really striking is that, timing gets out of the way, many, many times. It’s really difficult, pushing to something, if you are all alone; believing on something that you know is really close to happening. And you already saw the light at the end of the tunnel. But the frustrating thing is if the people with you deny what you see, simply because they are looking at a totally different side. That is the thing that I am afraid of experiencing… I hope not…

life after college

2008-10-29T16:21:00.005+08:00

I received a message from a friend. It is really odd, if you are on your day to day basis. These are the questions:

Kuya mahirap ba pagkatapos ng college? Pano nagbago buhay? Maypinagkakagastusan ba kayo? Nakikialam ba family mo?

Kuya, is it hard after college? How did it change your life? How about your expenses?
Does your family involve themselves? (I don’t know if my English translation is the best translation… ehehheeh)

Well, the above questions, as I presume it, are really interesting. And I haven’t reflected on this yet. I mean, not specifically.

Life after college is a little tough but really different from your college ways. In my experience, I did not really find it hard when I was searching for a job. I found it really enjoyable. I mean, job hunting is one the most exciting experience that I had so far. Presenting yourself in the best possible way you can and actually measuring what you have gained from you college – it takes a little toil, but pays a lot when you get pretty good feedbacks. Now that I am already working, I can say that the only difference from my college days is that, I don’t really hold my time anymore. I cannot just don’t go to work because I just wanted to. Responsibility is slowly imposed on you because that is what is expected – you being a responsible individual.

My expenses are getting off hand most of the time. I think it is because I am so much enjoying spending for myself because I have not done that before. And it is very rewarding looking at the pieces of what you have perspired for. It is something to be proud of. Although, like what I said, budgeting for me is my worst talent. But it still gets me along from day to day.

I have the most wonderful family in the whole world. They provide me with a very reasonable way of letting me row for my own boat. They always tell me that I would just need to go whatever that makes me happy, and they will always be there to support me.

cracking my nails...

2008-10-15T12:30:00.000+08:00

its funny how people scramble around and agonize for the things they fail to achieve. there are times that i reflect on this. could it be because we did not organize things? or is it because there is really somebody to blame? The first is a broad dome to deal with, while the latter, ambiguous - to whom will it be pointed.

in my premise, i would like to think that blaming somebody for not accomplishing a task crosses the line of being in a team. accepting mistakes is a more appropriate light. i am not a fan of it is because of his/her fault belief. that thing is a mere reason to escape - be free from being responsible for the failure. a brave man with a team spirit in him will stand for it and take responsibility for whatever outcome it has gone through. then act and think of the best reason to solve it. solutions for problems are endless. we just need to hit bull's eye.

prevention is better than cure - that is the ideology of doctors. and i think almost everybody agrees to this. organizing things helps ease out the pain of what the future will and might bring. as for me, suppose, i will be sailing into the sea, i will do a check list of the things that i should bring, what should i expect, including safety gears just in case something will come up. it will also include me thinking what's the worst thing that could happen. i may not know the very worst thing. but all i know is right before i sail, i will be able to think of all the craziest and nastiest things that the ocean will bring forth, because it is my life that is at stake. i believe that whatever things i may encounter, even if i was not able to anticipate it on the things that i have in mind before i went off and get lost in the ocean, solving it will not be a very much pain in the ass because i have a wider scope of anticipation, therefore, was able to have tools that can gear me up for anything... afterall, it is my life that is at stake. my life, my happiness, and my loved one's happiness...

in life, for every undertaking that we face, whether, it is of great deal or just something that we handle everyday, I think putting your all and preparing for it in the manner that you are scrutinizing every little detail of, will surely follow the path that prevention is better than cure ideology is stating.

IT

2008-10-03T19:14:00.001+08:00

Me? is there anything new for me? well... yeah i think there is...
Sometimes I am thinking if I will ever find my place under the sun, and will it be soon...

Because i am already needing things. Craving for things and happenings that i know would satisfy my whole being...
i know i will surely have that spot...
but how soon?
i have been with 3 different companies now
and still, im seizing it
the "it" is still undefined for me...

a poem that i never published...

2008-09-03T15:42:00.005+08:00

this is a poem that i wrote out of the heartaches and pain that the people around me feels...

RAIN
(mauzinisterice)

Wind blew from the east
The night sky paints dark;
My window was shut at least
For the outside was ready to spark.

When the pattering of my crown dawned
An anonimity in me suddenly alighted;
Was it the accolade to the heavens?
Or just plain emptiness that was converged?

An abrupt shrill inside I found
Along with the thudding of the ground;
Akin to my translucent ardor
That became mud which I cannot ponder.

Now the rhythm of the rain stopped
Like everything I hoped to last
Must I want it to stay I failed...
I lost, I succeeded, I lost...

Like rain, it spatter it pours,
And after its height, it weakens...
It ends....

SQUID proxy

2008-03-05T00:03:00.003+08:00

i am brushing to the keyboards again. and at this point i am writing as a technical guy. not the romanticist articulate guy that i used to impose before. well i think i will be blogging about more techy stuffs... especially now, i am becoming more it savvy...

well right now i am tryin to set up a squid server. and i was successful with the help of a lot of people, especially my partner Franklin, with much help from Reuel and Paolo. And yes, we were able to up the server! that's good. there's a downfall though, we are finding ways to cache FLV files in our precious SQUID proxy server!

we will be trying to do the configurations that we got from the very helpful google. and we are hopefuls that these configurations that we have works. because the recent configs didnt...

and i swear, i will be posting the complete configuration of the SQUID proxy server if we were successful doing it... but i just hope it will not take me 2 days more...

help... anyone?

Binary Tree in C++

2008-02-26T01:28:00.005+08:00

this is my first ever tree program! ehehe...

(its just too bad that i dont have time to edit the spacing using html)

//btree.cpp

#include < iostream >

using namespace std;

template < class T >
class BTNode
{
private:
T key;
public:
BTNode *left;
BTNode *right;
BTNode *parent;
T getkey(){return key;}
BTNode(){left = NULL; right = NULL; }
BTNode(T k) {key = k;}
void w_key(T d){key = d;}
};

template < class T >
class BTree
{
public:
BTNode *root;
void insert(const T k);
void Display();
void print(BTNode *p);
void remove(T d);
BTree(){root = NULL;}
BTNode & find(T d)
{
BTNode *p = root;
while (p != NULL)
{ if (d == p->getkey())
return *p;
else if (d > p->getkey())
{
if (p->right != NULL)
{ p = p->right;
if(d==p->getkey())
return *p;
}
else
break;
}
else
{
if (p->left != NULL)
{ p = p->left;
if(d==p->getkey())
return *p;
}
else
break;
}
}
return *p;
}
};

template
void BTree :: Display()
{
print(root);
cout << endl;
}

template
void BTree::remove(T d)
{
BTNode * tmp = &find(d);
BTNode *ndel = tmp;

if(tmp->left==NULL && tmp->right==NULL)
{
if(tmp->parent->getkey() > tmp->getkey())
tmp->parent->left = NULL;
else
tmp->parent->right = NULL;
delete tmp;
Display();
}

else if(tmp->right==NULL)
{ if(tmp->getkey() == root->getkey())
{ root = tmp->left;
tmp->left->parent = NULL;
}
else if(tmp->parent->getkey() > tmp->getkey())
{ tmp->parent->left = tmp->left;
tmp->left = NULL;
}
else
{ tmp->parent->right = tmp->left;
tmp->left = NULL;
}
delete tmp;
Display();
}

else if(tmp->left==NULL)
{ if(tmp->getkey() == root->getkey())
{ root = tmp->right;
tmp->right->parent = NULL;
}
else if(tmp->parent->getkey() > tmp->getkey())
{ tmp->parent->left = tmp->right;
tmp->right = NULL;
}
else
{ tmp->parent->right = tmp->right;
tmp->right = NULL;
}
delete tmp;
Display();
}

else
{ if(tmp->getkey() == root->getkey())
{ tmp = tmp->left;
while(tmp->right != NULL)
tmp = tmp->right;
tmp->right = ndel->right;
root = ndel->left;
ndel->left->parent = NULL;
delete ndel;
}

else
{ tmp = tmp->left;
while(tmp->right != NULL)
tmp = tmp->right;

if (tmp->parent->left == tmp)
tmp->parent->left = NULL;
else
tmp->parent->right = NULL;
ndel->w_key(tmp->getkey());
delete tmp;
}
Display();
}

}

template
void BTree :: print(BTNode *p)
{
if (p != NULL)
{
print(p-> left);
cout << p-> getkey()<< " ";
print(p-> right);
}
}

template
void BTree :: insert(const T k)
{
BTNode *p = root;
BTNode *prev = NULL, *tmp;
while (p != NULL)
{
prev = p;
if (k > p->getkey())
{
if (p->right != NULL)
p = p->right;
else
break;
}
else
{
if (p->left != NULL)
p = p->left;
else
break;
}

}

if (root == NULL)
{
root = new BTNode(k);
root->parent = NULL;

}
else if (k > p->getkey()) {
prev->right = new BTNode(k);
prev->right->parent = prev;}
else {
prev->left = new BTNode(k);
prev->left->parent = prev; }
}

int main()
{
BTree mine;
int a, maxi, x=0, b;
maxi = 5;
while (x < maxi)
{
cout<<"Enter a number: ";
cin>>a;
mine.insert(a);
mine.Display();
x++;
}

cout<<"\nEnter the key that you would like to delete: ";
cin>>b;
mine.remove(b);

return 0;
}

C Socket Programming - Client-Server

2007-12-18T04:28:00.000+08:00

i have been a blogger for posting a lot of things almost 3 years now and i havent posted anything that is related to what my profession is right now (huwaw! so i just considered myself a professional eh!). i mean, i haven't posted a lot of techie stuffs here yet. that being said, im going to start making it come to life now (i mean, posting some technical stuffs). who knows? i might be able to help other people by posting things? goddamn! i talk too much! eheheh...

well, i have been into a lot of networking and programming in C and C++ for almost 8 months now. hmmm, sorry, make that 7 months. and i can say that i am very much enjoying it. last week, i have studied a little about socket programming (eehheh, i take pride, coz before, i didnt even know what socket programming was! thank god for the opportunity!) i, with some of my friends-slash-housemates-slash-c0-workers, did a simple client-server communication. the main aim was that the client will be sending a message to the server. geez! it took a lot of mind boggling for me. but nevertheless, I was able to finish it (well, hard core programmers may perceive this code really messy. some would even say, it sucks! eheheh. but i am still proud to what I have came up with. this drives me more to aim and do more...), of course with the help of my friends-slash-slash-slash.

and without further ado (hmm, i would've said, with a lot of things said! dang!ehhehe), this was what i have came up with:

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

//THIS PROGRAM IS FOR THE SERVER

//server.c sample server

#include < stdio.h >
#include < sys/socket.h >
#include < netinet/in.h >
#include < arpa/inet.h >
#include < sys/types.h >
#define MYPORT 9993
#define BACKLOG 5
#define MAXDSIZE 50

int main(void)
{
int sockfd, newsockfd; //listens of sock_fd, new connection on new_fd
struct sockaddr_in my_addr; //server's address info
struct sockaddr_in client_addr; // connector's address info
char * ip;
char buf[MAXDSIZE];
int * memsock;

int n;

if ((sockfd = socket(PF_INET, SOCK_STREAM, 0)) == -1)
{
perror("socket error");
exit(1);
}

//initialization of values
my_addr.sin_family = AF_INET; // host byte order
my_addr.sin_port = htons(MYPORT); //short network byte order
my_addr.sin_addr.s_addr = inet_addr("127.0.0.1"); //my own IP address
memset(my_addr.sin_zero, '\0', sizeof my_addr.sin_zero);

//bind error checking

if ((bind(sockfd, (struct sockaddr *)&my_addr, sizeof (my_addr))) == -1)
{
perror("bind error");
exit(1);
}

/*this is the part where i was not able to focus on. this should reuse the port address the server used to listen to. therefore, i was not able to utilize this code

if(setsockopt(listener, SOL_SOCKET, SO_REUSEADDR, &yes, sizeof(int)) == -1)
{
perror("setsockopt");
exit(1);
} */

//listen error checking
if (listen(sockfd, BACKLOG) == -1)
{
perror("listen error");
exit(1);
}

//accept

n = sizeof(client_addr);

newsockfd = accept(sockfd, (struct sockaddr *)&client_addr, &n);

memset(buf, '\0', MAXDSIZE);

//receive
if(recv(newsockfd, buf, MAXDSIZE, 0) == -1)
{
perror("receive error");
exit(1);
}

printf("%s", buf);
close (sockfd);

return 0;
}

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

//THIS IS FOR THE CLIENT

//sclient.c sample server

#include < stdio.h >
#include < stdlib.h >
#include < sys/socket.h >
#include < netinet/in.h >
#include < sys/types.h >

#define MAXDSIZE 50

int main(int argc, char *argv[])
{

int sockfd;
int myport;
struct sockaddr_in server_addr;
char *msg;

if(argc != 3)
printf("Input is incomplete");

if ((sockfd = socket(PF_INET, SOCK_STREAM, 0)) == -1)
{
perror("socket error");
exit(1);
}

//initialization of values
myport = atoi(argv[2]);
server_addr.sin_family = AF_INET; // host byte order
server_addr.sin_port = htons(myport); //short network byte order

inet_aton(argv[1], &server_addr.sin_addr);

memset(server_addr.sin_zero, '\0', sizeof server_addr.sin_zero);

//connect
if((connect(sockfd, (struct sockaddr_in *)&server_addr, sizeof(server_addr))) == -1)
{
perror("connect error");
exit(1);
}

//message, send message
printf("Enter your message: ");

memset(msg, '\0', MAXDSIZE-1);
fgets(msg, MAXDSIZE, stdin);
write(sockfd, msg, MAXDSIZE);

//close
close (sockfd);

return 0;
}

well, i know what i did was way too basic. and i am a beginner. eheheh... : )

more to come....

OSPF Neighbor States

2007-12-12T00:17:00.002+08:00

I was kinda reviewing about OSPF and I thought writing what I have learned is a good idea for me to remember them.

Down State - This is the state of a neighbor in OSPF when the RouterDeadInterval expired and the router did not receive any hello packet from a certain router. When the router pings the neighbor in down state, it will not be successful

Init - This is the state of a neighbor when a router receives a hello packet within the last RouterDeadInterval but the hello packet doesnt contain the router id of the router. The router should be able to ping the neighbor that is in this state

2-way - This state will be achieved when a router receives a hello packet that contains its router id. This means that the bidirectional communication is already established.

(well, i think it's a bad idea. im lost for words. ehehehehe. anyway, these are the other neighbor states. don't worry i will finish them one these days...)

ExStart

Exchange

Loading

Full

Attempt

guilty pleasures

2007-10-07T12:10:00.000+08:00

I so like to be involved in web forums. but at this point of my career, wherein i need to take advantage of the time that i have for me to learn the things that i need to learn, I really cant find time. i envy rache, pao, deity, and some other popular bloggers that i know of. but they say that if there is a will, there is a way right? but this is a different story. there are times that i feel that my time is wasted when i pee. geez! i just so love this opportunity that is why i cant seem to let go of it even for a sec.

guess this is the state of being close to being insane.

...lights out

one bad rainy trip...

2007-08-08T18:42:00.001+08:00

i was not able to get a good sleep last night, err, morning (i must say, because i slept around pass 12 midnight). jeez! i almost got my bed soaked in the rain. yeah. it was like pass 2 in the morning and i was awakened by a dream. in my dream i was taking a shower. when i opened my eyes, i was really literally having a shower(well it was not as if i was soaked and frantically showered with rain water). I then realized that i was not able to close the window. whew! i was so sleepy then that i thought i could bear it. but after a couple of seconds, the mad rain awakened me fully. why? it is because the wind blew so hard that the water rain splashes directly on my face!

yeah! i had a bad sleep.

that prelude is kinda long. now, the reason for this blog starts now!

come morning, we went out to go to the city hall to fix something (i dont want to blab about it here). and oh boy! the skies are like in a contest on who will discharge the most number of liters of pee! roads are like hell! water is no puddle! flood is the exact term! we had no choice then but take a different route.

as we were in our adventure on our new route, skies' pees is inevitable. although it is better than that in our original route (never the less someone considers flood better than puddle), still, it's uncomfortable. walking in puddles are no problem with me. it's just that puddles here in the city are not friendly. i mean it is like soaking your feet in 10 gallons of water with a poop , mud, trash in it. that is the feeling. i don't know if i am just so sceptic about it. but dont imagine me like i was really nauseaus about it. i was not really comfortable walking in it.

i guess this only shows that the local government in the Philippines is still lacking ways in solving problems. it's as if they don't have eyes to see the problems. i am no politics expert, or a civil engineer. but one thing's for sure. i can see a problem. and if i am someone in the position, i will make an action about it. not that i am saying nobody in the government cares. it's just that they don't act fast. the government had years to think on solutions and the whole summer to actuate those solutions.

government, politics? nah! i don't want to talk about it anymore. blabbing here about these stuff will not solve the problem, nor will their (politicians) attention be caught... i'll just stick with the title... I HAD ONE BAD RAINY TRIP

2007-07-16T13:22:00.000+08:00

I am now in the state where I need to do the impossible once and again. I know I can do impossible things which I myself cannot decipher at first that I am capable of doing...

We need to garner at least 90% in our CCNA Examination early September.

or else...

whew!

i dont want to consider it as a dillema. hell no! or else i will lose focus. and focus is what i really need at this poing. plus a tough determination. and i will pt my all in it. mindset is the name of the game!

i am the captain of my ship. and i will not let my ship sink. or be defeated by the strong winds...

90% CCNA score? nah! i'll get a hundred!

just something to ponder

2007-07-02T08:27:00.000+08:00

Life wouldnt be of anything great if you dont strive and press yourself for more and for better.

: )

let us all live life. celebrate it and be one with the world!

when it rain... it pours

2007-05-09T04:49:00.000+08:00

yeah, i am a believer of it now. it has been already what? more than a month, since i left my previous job. i was saddened by that experience. but i have to move in and find a greener pasteur (if I can), since my previous company is hard to be levelled.

so, i searched for a new job. it took me more than a month to find one! and i can say that i never wanted anything as intense as this ever in my life! from the moment i was set for the final interview (the interviewer flew all the way from Silicon Valley in California just to conduct the final interview). i was so elated knowing that i was included in the final list wherein hundreds have been interviewed. i was even more moved and ecstatic when i learned that i was included in the final team!!! and we were just less than ten! whew! i was blown away by all of these!!!

i never expected something like this! it's as if it's too good to be true. sometimes, god gives blessings in a manner we wont really expect...

im proud of myself! im proud of me!!!

floating

2007-03-23T18:24:00.000+08:00

looks like im in space... floating... searching...
it's as if i am holding my breath so long that i am afraid to inhale and engulf my self with a lot of air... job seeker that is i am right now...
flattered though, because of the companies that are interested not only with my skills (in which i suppose just average) but also with the promise (i guess) they see in me... that's how i see myself... full of promise...
but i guess it is encapsulated with the inferiority complex i feel. people may say i am confident. but hell no! i just try to be. i reckon what one of the text messages i received:
"i am like a duck in the pond
...calm, serile and careless

but what you dont see under the water
...is the struggling and stessed feet"

where do i go from here? where will life lead me? i am still clueless. unaware. what do i want. sometimes i doubt on what i can do. what are my strength as a person - as a college graduate. as a 22-year old. i feel like im still a kid! i guess that's one of my problems. i sometimes act like a kid. im shying away the responsibilities i already have. trying to make things all ok. trying to break out and tell the world i am very free.

...but the truth is, i am not free. i am embraced with both arms by uncertainty. i dont really know what to do... still no direction. yes. i am fearless. i can outrage and fire any moment... yeah! i guess that is what i must and should think of now. i am ok. i am strong. i am me! i am... i...

i am so upset!

2006-05-15T20:42:00.000+08:00

it's the 15th today! and as an employee, all are expecting to receive their salary!!! guess what man?!!! I didn't receive any! whew! Because my papers were hold for i will be transfered in another account, my salary is also held! that's bad! because I already anticiapted things. To add, is that I wont have money to spend for the duration of a month, so i don't have any choice but to go home in pampanga...
and that's bad. because i am planning to look for other jobs just in case I will pull out my employment in the company... whew!!!

A BLAST(insert punctuation mark)

2005-12-05T18:09:00.001+08:00

I just went to Batangas last Saturday... and oh, it was a blast!!!

a blast!

a blast,

a blast.

a blast?

whew! kinda don't really know how to describe it. if only i could just search the real meaning of that "outing" for, it will be an easy task then and i guess i am not writing now here...

i guess i was engulfed with emotions that's why i can't really describe the feeling...

whew!

it's a blast!
yeah, i guess. for it was another time for me to socialize, be with people and have a good time... i really love that feeling of belongingness - the feeling is incapacitating my whole being that it accelerate the rush of blood in my system. in short, i feel happiness - a short time happiness though.but im not saying i am not happy. no. don't get me wrong. it was just the mere description of the feeling at that moment. ok? (chuckles...)

it's a blast,
it was! for i am really anticipating that i could experience it more. and i guess that mere 2 days are really incomplete to maim our (especially mine!) thoughts of our projects, schooling, and some other stuffs that are needed to be forgotten to be able to relax...

it's a blast.
just it! a blast. a not-so-special outing. know why? it was just really common. nothing extra-ordinary occured. (except for the moment we felt the rain rushing through our bodies while feeling the water of the sea... and it was made by nature, so it is still common...) we swam. we ate. we sang. and that's it.

the literal meaning of enjoyment

it's a blast?
why? huh! i just realized a lot of things. about life. about happiness. about the real meaning of education. about being in a relationship. about socializing. about people. about my behavior (which i think a behavior of all men).
i realized that life is just simple. and not only mine is. it's all of the creation of God. we are all living in a simple life! we eat, we drink, we breathe, we take a bath! and it's just a perpetual process.
i realized that whatever things that a man can do, if he don't see the happiness that is sometimes just in front of him, he won't see it. with that i saw that people are too blind to see happiness. they are reayy blinded by the physical things in life. Studying is not only a mean of acquiring money. it's a process that is to be enjoyed. a preparation for a greater cause - to be happy! but most people are just considering what money they can acquire after studying and landing in a job. not knowing that they are already manipulated by their physical needs. they take pride with the way they can spend (which i guesss is not a sin anyway). they get angry wasting (?) some unworthy things - some things that are not of greater value, the sometimes connoted as walang kwenta. but did they even thought that these they call walang kwenta are the things that make people happy? yeah, happiness is quite hard to find - but this is just for people who are blinded by hatred, perfection, envy, etc. happiness is simple! it's just a way of life - a way of appreciating things and being positive. life is a choice. it's not all about chances! later on people will realize these things when things are quite late - when they don't have lots of time to spend their lives happily...
i realized that being in a relationship is really a responsibility. a responsibility that is nurtured by pride, control, determination, and sacrifice... everything in a relationship is a choice. including the love that sustains it. why? love is a choice! yeah! if someone stops loving, it's his choice. because he fails to sustain it. and sustaining means being well-disciplined about many things. (and that includes paralyzing your senses when captain temptation arrives. i guess i am talking at quite a distant now, with a number of people might not reach. but these things i utter are those of greater importance - things that are needed to be realized by loving people. perhaps i could develop a much greater explanation of these on a new blog... (kasi sa totoo lang, tinatamad na ko... hehehehe)

LTNP

2005-12-02T18:38:00.000+08:00

LTNP, stands for LONG TIME NO POST!

It's really a long long time ago since i posted here... I had a very busy schedule kasi... and I can't find that perfect time to write and publish it here...

I am now 21!!! Whew! Congratulations to me! hehehe... I guess with this age, I will be more mature in handling things... (well, sana!)
And I am quite excited of being in the corporate world... It's only months now and I will be a true citizen of this country because I will be one of those job-craving people, and a fresh-grad at that! Whew!

I really want to write longer. But it seemed my hands are now tired of typing... hehehe....

'Til next post!!!

AKYAT-BAHAY

2005-08-11T00:06:00.000+08:00

It was minutes before 3 in the morning when I found my most comfortable position that drove me to sleep. As I was in ecstacy, I heard a very familiar sound --- the ring tone of my cell phone! Am I still dreaming? Hell no! Darn! I have to wake up? Close-eyed, my hand started to search my ever-disturbing gadget. Whoa! Wait! Where in the world is it? So, I opened my eyes, but it's still dark. I presumed it's still wee hours in the morning and everyone's still asleep. Krrriinngg... kkrrriiiiinnnnggg... S@#-! Where in the world is that?! God I really can't find it! I was getting sick of it when I remembered that I was on the third deck near the window. Huh? Could it be... Wait... I was already getting worried so I went downstairs and asked one of my boardmates who's always an early bird if he heard something fell on the roof. "Yes, I heard something. Sa bubong ba?" Damn it! My cell phone's on the roof and it's still ringing!!! And we have really close neighbors. the clock read 4:30 AM. Mixed emotions engulf me at the moment --- the irritable side, because I thought I could have a good rest since my class will start 5 in the afternoon; the worried side, for it's rainy season and the sky projects dark clouds and my cell phone might be washed by rain and be short circuited; and the embarassed side, which I think is justifiably implied.

I looked outside from my bed's view, but I still can't find it. I even used my boardmate's cell phone to trace where was it but I still can't find a lighting gadget. I was starting to get head-twisted on what shall I do! Imagine, it was early in the morning and my phone is out there unaware that he might die just in case the rain poured? Oh God!

And so I gathered a lot of courage and looked at the foor from my window's view again and searched where the hotpoint is, where I will start climbing to the roof.

And I did it. 4:15 in the early, damp morning and there I was, like an AKYAT BAHAY climbing the roof. Since our apartment is triplex, and our very own is in the center, I have to pass on one roof before reaching ours. I removed my slippers but still I created noise. To drive our neighbor's attention, and let their sleep continue, I mimicked the cry of a cat. When I reached our roof, I had to gie my phone a ring to find it for it's still dark. Surprisingly, and agitatedly, I can't find it. I reckon it's vibrating and I just followed the sound and the vibrations... and whalla! I found it concealed itself under the cover of the gutter and oh my... it's really close to falling to it. As I reached for it, I was laughing at myself. "This is embarassing, I said.

It was my time to go down --- a hard part again! I was close to fully reaching the end of the roof, when one of our neighbors lit their lights. So I mimicked the cat again and meow as good as I could.

As I reached the ground, I learned another lesson, I can be an effective member of the AKYAT-BAHAY GANG...

10 thousand +

2005-08-05T23:50:00.000+08:00

Yells. Shouts. I never imagined I will be performing for 10 thousand plus audience!!! Yup! I performed in Araneta! Whew! What an experience!

It was late February when i heard of the auditions for the UAAP Season 68 Opening Ceremonies. and since I am already a fourth year engineering student, I don't have any plans of auditioning. Firstly, because of our projects, and secondly, I don't think I can handle such adrenalin rush again at the moment for we are in a hurry thinking what project will we propose. But I guess, God really gave me the chance to experience the fun of preparing and including myself for such a big event. I had a chance to audition!

April. I was finally casted as one of the performers. But I was not happy still. I will be disheartened and frustrated if I wont be able to nip a slot in the premiere dancers' circle. And so, I, together with my fellow hopefulls went to a series of auditions. If I can remember it right, we auditioned for at least a month, done every week plus workshops, for the choreographers to identify who's who and which is which. Auditions are tough! Nerve wracking! But every audition strengthens me. Then, the final audition for the final casting for the who's who and for the where's where occured. It was really nerve wracking!!! Imagining it was the final decision to complete and cast the premiere dancers! Whew! It's really a hell of courage for me to be good! Or else, i will be casted as one of the support group... And it was our turn. I just felt that my body's becoming numb. So i just jumped and jumped before the music went on. Pampam parampam... it was the start of the beat. And... pampam parampam it was the last eight. And stop! The audition piece has just finished. I looked at the choreographer's eyes. I told myself, "Mauze... it's the end..." And so, I went to the right side to join the less fortunate auditioners... But wait... is this true??? They are calling me... I was accepted!!! I was casted!!! Yeah baby, yeah!

June. It was officially a month before our much-awaited July 9. but I'm getting tired. I felt so energy-drained! I thought of quitting... I thought of giving up! But no. No. I told myself, "I don't want all my hardwork to go to trash because I'm tired! I still can go on!"

And so I did. It was less than a month before the much-awaited July 9 UAAP Season 68 Opening Ceremonies, when our Stage Managers and Director came to our school to put some final touches. It was the very first time I told myself that it was the real deal..."This is real!" 5:00, 6:00pm, to 10:00, 11:00 in the evening. Practice, practice, practice... and boom!!! It's July!!!

Days before July 9, Kyla came to rehearse with us in Araneta. It was by that time that I've realized what we do is something big... bigger that I expected!

July 9. 6:00 AM. Our call time in Araneta Coloseum. When the make-upwas applied in my face, when we were just inches from the performing area, and the cold breeze of air is filling our noses and blowing our hairs, my body felt something good --- something unusual... I never felt as excited as this before!

Then, the yelling and the screaming of the crowd begun. This is it! It's show time! Pampam parampam... it was our turn to perform... whew!

Yells. Shouts. Cheers. I never imagined I will be performing for 10 thousand plus so-excirted audience!!! Yup! I am now tasting the sweetness of hardwork --- I am performing in ARANETA!!!

SUPERMAN!!!

2005-05-10T23:21:00.000+08:00

I really am a superman addict... Although im not that good in informations, I really love collecting superman stuffs.

Here are some of Superman informations...

The History of Kal - El
A.K.A. Superman

Young Kal-El was just over a year old, when his father, Jor-El (Great Kryptonian scientist) discovered that Krypton was no longer a stable planet, as evidenced by the planet-wide earthquakes. In typical science fiction fashion, the elders on the planet laughed him off.
Jor-El's plan was to revive the old Kryptonian Space Program, and move to another planet, most likely Earth. Apparently, his hobby was small-rocket-building, and he had just enough time to build one big enough to send Lara, his wife, and Kal, his son off to Earth. She declined, of course, because she felt without her extra weight, the rocket would have had a better chance to reach Earth. With a simple "Goodbye" and wish of "Good Luck", the small rocket took off for Earth as Krypton crumbled.

Editor's note: Every mother I've asked has said that she would have gone off with the only child!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Baby Kal-El was in the rocket ship for about a year, and was just under three years old when the ship crashed near a roadside in Kansas, USA. Jonathan and Martha Kent happened to be diving by, and saw the crash. Bring the good hearted American souls they were, they went to see if they could help. Being an avid sci-fi reader, Jonathon even guessed that the craft was extra-terrestrial.
They rescued the small child inside, and put the rocket on the back of their truck. They left the child at the orphanage, and indicated that they wanted to keep him. They passed the requirements, and named the baby Clark, after Martha's Maiden name. His full name is Clark Jerome Kent.

Another Editor's note: There have been rumors that the baby performed all kinds of super-stunts, but most accounts state that Clark's super-powers didn't appear until in his teens.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Editor's note, part III: At this point there is a clear difference in the "Modern Era" story and the "Golden Era Story", although both end in a similar fashion....

The "Golden Age Story"....

Martha passed away from an undisclosed disease when Clark was a young teenager. His powers were really developing at this time, and he became Superboy shortly before her death. Krypto was his super-powered pet. Schoolmate (and girlfriend) Lana Lang saw that Clark was Superboy, but kept his secret safe.
Jonathan Kent passed away from the same disease as Martha, still undisclosed, and called upon Clark to use his powers for the whole world. Clark then went off to The Big Apricot, Metropolis, and ended his career as Superboy.
Thus, Superman was born.

Editor's note: There is also a version where both had passed away soon after he went to Metropolis. This is one reason why the various stories of Superman were later explained in DC's Crisis On Infinite Earths. It turns out that there were many Supermen, from different timelines. Today, the modern early history is defined by the John Byrne mini-series, Superman: The Man of Steel.
The "Modern Age Story"..

Kal arrived on Earth in the same way, but as an infant. He displayed no unusual powers or abilities. As he grew, young Clark Kent was an extraordinary athlete. When he started showing the extra-ordinary powers, his parents told him the whole story. Shortly afterwards, he went to Metropolis.
Without a costume, or secret identity, he saved a "Space Plane", and was called a "Mysterious Superman" by Lois Lane in his first press story. In his confusion over the incident, he went home to the Kents, and came up with the whole secret identity and costume, which is made from some handy items from his Kryptonian rocket.
Upon his return to Metropolis, he gets a job at a great metropolitan newspaper, The Daily Planet, and begins his successful careers as both Clark Kent and Superman.

Some Superman movie pictures...

the first superman movie(1978)...
entitled Superman
Christopher Reeve - Clark Kent
Margot Kidder - Lois Lane

Superman II
1980
Christopher Reeve - Clark Kent
Margot Kidder - Lois Lane

Superman III
1983
Christopher Reeve - Clark Kent
Margot Kidder - Lois Lane
Anette O'Tool - Lana Lang

Anette O'Tool - Lana Lang

Superman IV: The Quest For Peace
1986
Christopher Reeve - Clark Kent
Margot Kidder - Lois Lane

he is the new superman!!!

2005-05-05T23:59:00.000+08:00

he is BRANDON ROUTH...
the new superman!
WATCH IT!!!

and she...

KATE BOSWORTH
the new LOIS Lane!!!
ouch,,,
she's hot!!!!

read me!!!

2005-05-05T23:30:00.000+08:00

this entry in one of my emails has touched me... hope you can find time reading this!!!

> Subject: Pure and Innocent Love
>
> hello, this is quite a touching story. please take some time to read
> this.... have a nice day :)
>
>
> "Andoy"
>
> Somewhere in Milaor, Camarines Sur, there lived a fourth grader boy
who
> would follow this route to
> school everyday:
>
> He has to cross the rugged plains and cross the dangerous highway
where
> vehicles are recklessly
> driving to and from. Once passed this highway, the boy would take a
> short cut by passing by the Church every morning just to say Hi to
God,
> and faithfully say his, "Magandang umaga po" in Bicol dialect.
>
> He was faithfully being watched by a Priest who was happy to find
> innocence so uplifting in the morning, "Kamusta Andoy! Papasok ka
na?"
> "Opo padre... " he would flash his innocent grin, the priest would be
> touched.
>
> The priest was so concerned that one day he talked to Andoy, "From
> school...", he advised "Do not cross the highway, you can pass
through
the
> Church and I can accompany you to the other side of the road... that
way
> I can see that you are home safe ...."
>
> "Thank you father ..."
>
> "Why don't you go home ... why do you stay in this Church right after
> school?"
>
> "I just want to say "Hi" to my friend, God," and the priest would
leave
> the boy to spend time beside
> the altar, talking by himself, but he was hiding behind the altar to
> listen to what this boy has to say
> to his heavenly FATHER.
>
> "You know my math exam was pretty bad today, but I did not cheat -
> although my seatmate is bullying me for notes ... I ate one cracker
and
> drank my water, Itay had a bad season and all I can eat is this
> cracker. Thank you for this! I saw a poor kitten who was hungry and I
> know how he feels so I gave my
> last cracker to him ... funny but I am not that hungry ... Look, this
is
> my last pair of slippers ... I may
> have to walk barefooted next week ... you see this is about to be
> broken.. but it is okay ... at least I
> am still going to school ... some says we will have a hard season
this
> month, some of my classmates have already stopped going to school ...
> please help them get to school again, please God? ... Oh, you know,
Inay
> had hit me again, it is painful, but I know this pain will pass away,
at
> least I still have
> a mother ... God, you want to see my bruises? I know you can heal
them
> ...here... here and ....
> Oh ... blood ... I guess you knew about this one huh? Please don't be
mad
> at Inay, she is just tired
> and she worries for the food in our table and my schooling that is
why
> she hits us ... Oh, I think I
> am in love ... there's this pretty girl in my class, her name is
Anita
> ... do you think she will like me?
> Anyway, at least I know you will always like me, I don't have to be
> anybody just to please you, you are
> my very best friend! Hey your birthday is two months from now!!!
Aren't
> you excited? I am! wait till you
> see, I have a gift for you .... but it is a surprise! I hope you will
> like it! Oooops, I have to go ..."
> then he stood up and calls out, "Padre, padre, I am finished talking
to
> my friend .. you can
> accompany me to the other side of the road now"
>
> This routine happens everyday. Andoy never fails. Father Agaton
shares
> this every Sunday to the people in his church because he has not seen
a
> very pure faith and trust in God, a very positive look at
> negative situations.
>
> One Christmas day, Father Agaton was sick so he could not make it in
the
> Church, he was sent to the
> hospital. The Church was left to 4 manangs who would chant the rosary
in
> 1000 miles per hour, would not smile and would always find fault in
what
> you do, they are also very well versed in cursing if you irritate
them!
> They were kneeling, saying their kilometric rosary when Andoy, coming
> from his Christmas party, playfully dashed in, "Hello God!!!!! I "
> P----!!!!! (a curse) Bata ka!!!! Alam mo nang may
> nagdadasal!!!!!Alis!!!!!"
>
> Poor Andoy was so terrified, "where's Father Agaton? He is supposed
to
> help me cross the street .... and to be able to cross the street I
will
> have to pass by the back door of this church ... not only that, I
have
to
> greet Jesus-it is His birthday, I have a gift right here ...." just
as
he
> was about to get the gift out of his shirt, the manang pulled his
shirt
> and threw him out of the church.
>
> "Susmaryosep!!! (does a sign of the cross fervently) Alis kang bata
ka,
> kung hindi matatamaan ka!!!
>
> So the boy had no choice but to cross the dangerous side of the road
in
> front of the church. He crossed. A fast moving bus came in. There was
a
> blind curve. The boy was protecting his gift inside his shirt, so he
> was not looking. There was so little time. Andoy died on the spot. A
lot
> of people crowded the poor boy, the body of a lifeless young boy...
> Suddenly, out of nowhere a tall man in pure white shirt and pants, a
face
> so mild and gentle, but with eyes full of tears... He came and
carried
> the boy in His arms, He was crying. Curious bystanders nudged the man
in
> white, and asked, "excuse me sir, are you related to this child? Do
you
> know this child?" The man in white, His face mourning and in agony,
> lifted up and answered, "He was my bestfriend ... " was all he said.
>
> He took the badly wrapped gift in the bloody chest of the lifeless
boy,
> and placed it near His heart. He
> stood up and carried the boy away and they both disappeared in sight.
> The crowd was curious...
>
> The next day, Father Agaton learned of the shocking news. He visited
the
> house, and wanted to verify
> about the man in white. He consulted the parents of Andoy. "How did
you
> know that your son died?"
> "A man in white brought him here." sobbed the mother. "What did he
say?"
> The father answered, "He did not say anything. He was mourning. We do
not
> know him and yet he was very
> lonely at our son's death, as if he knew our son very well. But there
was
> something peaceful and
> unexplainable about him. He gave me my son, and then he smiled
peacefully.
> He rubbed my son's hair away from his face and kissed him on his
> forehead, then he whispered something ..."
> "What did he say?" "He said to my boy ..." the father began, "Thank
you
> for the gift ... I will see you soon... you will be with me ..." and
the
> father of the boy continued, "and you know for a while, it felt so
> wonderful... I cried, but I do not know why .... all I know is I
cried
> in tears of joy ... I could not explain it father, but when that man
> left, something peaceful came over me, I felt a deep sense of love
> inside... I could not explain the joy in my heart, I knew my boy is
in
> heaven now ... but ... tell me father, who is this man that my son
talks
> to everyday in your church, you should know because you are always
> there... except on the time of his death ..."
>
> Father Agaton suddenly felt the tears welling in his eyes, with
> trembling knees, he murmured," ... He
> was talking to no one .... but ....GOD...."
>
> If you love this story, pls. pass this on to your friends, i just
did!
>
> Take Care...
>
> GOD BLESS YOU ALWAYS....

i guess... pork and other meats are really not for me!!!

2005-05-04T20:12:00.000+08:00

gosh!!! Now i came to a point where i don't want to eat pork again!!! But i know i will suffer (a lot at that!). You know why??? Andami kong di pwedeng kainin!!! It's been two years now since i stopped eating meat (but not chicken and fish!kasi halos wala na ko pwedeng kainin... tsaka fav ko ang chicken...)

Last two days, i tried eating pork barbeque... because i want meats in my system again... So i tried one stick. but then, i weren't able to feel the night and my rest! I weren't able to sleep till dawn! Whew! I was half awake because I can feel something aching in my stomach! I dunno if its just in my mind... But come morning, i still feel it! 4 times nga akong nag-poo-poo!!! i was thinking of going to the doctor nga e... pero di muna... inobserve ko muna kung ano ba talaga nangyayari...
Then i realized, baka di ako natunawan. Feeling ko nabigla ako. Kasi 2 years na kong di kumakain ng malaki-laking amount ng meat. Siguro nga nabigla tiyan ko... And God! I thought I will be hospitalized again!!!

Maybe next time... Konti-konti na munang meat ang kakainin ko... Siguro mga tig-isang cube muna... (ung maliliit lang...) hehehe.

Parang sawa na kasi ako maging semi- vegetarian e!!!

definitely not for me this time!!!

a new short story...

2005-04-13T16:38:00.000+08:00

DAGGER

It was an eerie environment and the cold breeze of air slowly opens my imagination to fear that something might happen unexpectedly. The surrounding frets me that it aggravates the feeling of fright into my senses. I am in front of a close to die acacia tree and the resident bird adds to the weirdness of the place. As I observe the tree, I was moved to what I just found in the ground right next to the evident roots of it --- a blood covered dagger.

When I was about to pick the dagger and put it in my scrutiny, I felt a sudden dizziness as though I am tumultuously thrown back and forth. Right then, I felt a warm hand in my face, which soothes my senses. Jane is by my side telling me that I am having a nightmare. I saw in her eyes the deep anxiety she felt at that moment, but what puzzles me is the scare in her face. Her watery eyes add up to the agitated feeling I am experiencing. Tears came rushing through her eyes as she started telling what really happened. Although reluctantly, she was able to finish her story (in between sobs) as to my request.

“I was awakened by your moans. I thought you were just joking. But when I looked at you, you were perspiring really hard… When I woke you up you looked at me directly, as if you have something to say. When I asked you what’s wrong, you just kissed me. When I looked at you… it’s as if I am looking at a perfect stranger. And… and… and you started taking my clothes off even with me pleading you not to do so. I know you and won’t do it. But you hit me. Then all of a sudden your eyes started to roll with that of a lunatic. And you collapsed.”

The sun is about to shine and I started my day with a heavy hotdog-tocino-fried rice breakfast. Too too toot too toot. Oh, my friends. It’s time for our daily early morning jogging. “This is a great day!” I told myself. But as I leave my pad, I really had a strange feeling. I can’t explain, but it kindda troubles me.
Jogging is one of our bondings. John, Timmy, and I are best of friends. Our friendship started in high school. Although we had different schools in college, we still find time for us to be together --- hangout, bar hop, and like this, jog. As we jog, our feet guided us to a park nearby. We took our places in the damp grass and started sharing stories to each other. This is one of our times that we talk about out problems. Luckily, I don’t have anything to share.

John is a Business Administration student. He’s not good in Math though, that’s why he regrets enrolling a math subject in this semester. He told us that he didn’t attend any class meetings in his College Algebra class right after the prelims ended. “Wala ng pag-asa pare. I’m really not for Math. Maybe next sem. Sa ngayon ihahanda ko muna sarili ko.” As I hear his stories, I feel quite sad for him, for being so frustrated.

Timmy? Timmy, Timmy, Timmy. She’s an A student! She hasn’t had any problems with schooling even once. But what worries me is her relationship. She’s so in to her boyfriend, as if he’s her life. She told us they were in a bumpy road at the moment and she can’t help but cry while telling us their problem.

And it’s our time to go home. As we bid good bye to each other, a tree caught my attention. I saw a close to die acacia tree. I remembered something from the scene I am in. I was startled. As I came closer to the tree, a bird just flew in one of the twigs of it. “I remember now!” I told myself, with a sound of vexation. It is from my dream. I forced myself to be brave. The sun is already up so nothing will happen anyway! I went closer. I scrutinize the tree and looked at its evident roots, searching for something I can’t remember. Right then I found a black-covered book. My hands began to lose its heat --- as if they were frozen. I looked around for my friends but the park was already deserted. Bravely, I picked the book and opened it. Upon opening it, a loud tintinnabulation came to me, as if totally losing my sanity.

“Pare, pare, ok ka lang?” it was John. I saw in their faces, John and Timmy worriedly waking me up. “What happened?” I seriously asked, with my head aching. “We were exchanging stories kanina and all of a sudden, you fell asleep in Timmy’s lap. I know you’re tired kaya hinayaan ka muna namin. But you were talking with words that are out of our knowledge in your sleep. Di nga naming alam kung language ba yon o chant e. Pare, masyado ka atang naapektuhan ng mga nirereview nyong movies e.”

“Tara na. it’s getting hot na. My dog hasn’t eaten yet. But Miguel, you have to take a break. I think you’re over-worked with your thesis.” Timmy said.

As I headed home, I can’t help myself to think of my dreams. What do they mean? After finishing my shower, someone knocked at the door. I hurriedly went to the door, bared only with towel hugging my lower body, expecting it was Jane. But as I opened the door, I found nothing, except from a black box, with a black ribbon tied on it, and the all-of-a-sudden wind blew, as if just waited for me to open the door before blowing so hard. Inquisitively, I opened it and was moved upon seeing what was in it --- the book from my dreams. A sudden rush of cold air came to my senses and even with a humid temperature, I started to feel cold. I then hurriedly wore clothes and called Timmy and John.

On a Sunday morning, our jogging day, I brought with me the book I promised them. I never had a time reading it. I had to rush paper works for my research. I tried everything to take the book out my mind but it never stopped appearing in me. But I promised my friends to just open it when they’re already with me. And so we opened it. To our surprise, it is a dark book --- a book with a list of spells intended for dark magic. We were a bit startled reading it at first, but I laughed. I dunno why, but it just went out. Perhaps a defense mechanism for them not to notice that the “big muscle man” was frightened. So there, we just laughed at it, never gave importance to what would it bring.

Because we all laughed about it, we browsed at it, finding it cool that someone has done something really hilarious. As a part of our game, we all agreed to try one spell --- the spell that would grant all wishes. Laughingly, we gather all the ingredients of it. But what’s so weird about it, which we found more fun is the ingredients of it. Like, lizards, some leaves that we found in Quiapo, and other odd ingredients.

It was night time that we finished the “hunt” for the ingredients. And it was very timely that we finished it because the book stated that we have to do the chant at 12 midnight. As we waited for the tick of 12 in my pad, we were laughing and joking at each other what wish we will be making. Timmy, wished that she and her boyfriend be ok at the very moment after the chant because of their very recent fight. John wished he could pass his College Algebra class. I laughed at them, for everything they wished was really impossible. Well, perhaps it is, but in a one in a million chance. Me? My wish? I won’t tell them! They might laugh at it and won’t believe me…

And so we did it. We did all the stuffs, in between chuckles. After we did the whole chant and other instructions from the book, we weren’t able to help ourselves but laugh… laugh at the top of our lungs! ‘Til our stomach were bloated. Right at that moment, while we were still laughing at ourselves for doing such hilarious thing, we heard a knock at the door. I opened it wondering who the intruder is at that very late time. Stunned, shocked, and to my surprise, I found Ice, Timmy’s boyfriend, holding a bouquet of flowers, also bewildered to how I stare at him. “I s’pose, Tim’s here?”

Upon retrieving myself from the shock I felt, I hurriedly guided him inside. As I escorted Ice inside, Timmy and John suddenly went quiet looking at each other, with confusion. When they were back to reality, they laughed aloud, and Timmy, hurriedly embraced her boyfriend.

After that night, a big question was hanging in me. How did Ice know Timmy was in my pad? And how did he get in my pad quickly given the instant that he was in Ilocos Sur and my pad is in Manila? But I dismissed the thought, thinking it’s just my imagination that’s driving me crazy. And by the way, it happened! So it’s possible! And everything was just coincidental!

Queer! John passed his College Algebra! Coincidental! Well, perhaps. But it’s really strange. And so we had a celebration at a restaurant, of course the gang was complete --- Timmy, John, and me --- with my girlfriend Jane, Timmy’s Ice, and John’s special someone. As we finished our lunch, Jane went to the washroom. And that’s something you can’t get rid of girls --- they really are very much to their physicality.

While waiting for our girlfriends, Ice went outside to smoke. John and I were left in the table. “You know dude, it’s quite strange that I passed my College Algebra. Perhaps my professor was drunk while doing our grades. But what puzzles me is the wish I made before we did the chant in the book you’ve found. First, Timmy’s wish, and then mine. Then what’s next? Your wish? I really can’t help but think that what’s happening is all coincidental. But you know I don’t believe on witchy things bro.”

“Aaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!”

The screams were coming from the ladies’ wash room. “Jane! Jane is in the washroom too!” I told John. “and so is Timmy and Catherine.”

John and I hurriedly went to the washroom to look for the girls. We found Jane still screaming while facing the mirror. When I hugged her, she went blank and collapsed.

“What happened hon? Why am I here?” Jane asked. After seconds, perhaps after remembering everything, she cried with a deep fright from her eyes. “Honey, what happened? What’s wrong? Is it true? The stories of Timmy and Cath?” I asked.

“I was applying lipstick at the washroom and… and…”

“It’s ok baby, I’m here now.” I said.

“And.. my reflection at the mirror was not… was not moving... When I prayed the Lord’s Prayer, it just followed me… God! It recited the prayer with me with its eyes looking at me sharply. Hon, I’m very scared…” Jane finished.

I told Jane to take a good night rest at that night as I drive her home. She was very much anxious to what’s happening to us --- to Timmy, John. She’s blaming the black book I’ve found. I told her that everything was coincidental. But she’s really agitated, so I told her that I will throw the book.

When I was home, although stressed and tired, I still can’t sleep. So I turned my computer on, and browsed the internet, searching for something --- something that might help me analyze things. I searched for incidents that involved paranormal things. I still don’t want to act as if things were really happening just because of the book I’ve found. Suddenly, everything went black --- as if all lights were off and my lap top was even out of my sight. I was alarmed. I was about to look for my cell phone for some light, but right then, I felt a warm embrace coming from my back. I forced myself to be free from the unexplainable creature embracing me, but it was strong enough to penetrate me. I reached for its head in my rear. I found out that the creature has a long hair. I still can’t see anything that’s why I tried to hurt the creature to free myself. As I touched its face, I became apprehensive. Its face was wet. Tears? Are those tears?

“I’ve waited so long for this moment… to touch you, to feel you, and enclose you in my arms… I’m sorry to do this… but…” the creature cried.

“Who are you? What are you? Why are you here?” I asked. “Couldn’t you let go of me now? Don’t worry, I won’t hurt you… uhm… I think I must say, don’t hurt me please. Please let go of me!” I continued with my hoarse voice.

I presumed, the creature is a woman --- an old woman. I don’t know why. I know, I felt scared, but I felt her emotions --- her deep old voice --- it radiates the very sad and longing feeling. I felt the narrow emotion of her wanting to see me --- her gladness in embracing me fills the space we were in. Right at that point, I felt myself agreeing to what she wanted. She continuously cried. I felt her tight embrace. I thought at that moment that I will just make an action if she will make a bad move. Suddenly, I was in ecstasy. And when I opened my eyes, I was horrified. It’s already 5:16 in the morning and I’m still in front of my lap top. I weren’t able to notice that I fell asleep and all was just one of my strange dreams.

It was exactly one week since we did the weirdest-oddest-funniest thing in our entire life. I was taking my shower and getting ready to rest for me to take the good fine rest. It’s already pass 11 o’clock in the evening! Kring, kring, kring. ”Miguel, son, do you exactly know where John is? He hasn’t gone home since Saturday. He didn’t leave me with any information where he is. His phone is also out of reach. This is the first time he did this. I bet you knew where he went for Timmy and Catherine are here and were asking where John is. His car is also here.” Mom’s John asked.

“Ma, I’m sorry to break this to you but I have no idea where John is. Haven’t heard from him since last week… Ma… Ma?!” the line was cut.

Kring… I answered my phone immediately. “Miguel… Miguel… John was found. It’s very strange…we found him in his room. We thought he was just sleeping. But when we tried waking him up, he never responded anymore. And… and… Miguel, John left us… he’s gone…” Timmy ended.

I was in a state of callousness for a moment. I don’t know what to feel. My friend for a long time is gone. Lifeless. I never had a chance to tell him he’s so important. Then, suddenly, I felt tears rolling down my cheeks. Am I crying? I guess t’was worth to cry…

“Hon, it’s but natural. For you to cry is never a sin. And it never threatened your being a man. It’s okay. You can cry with me. Let’s both think that John is in good place now. But it’s really odd. John was autopsied, and he was very normal. Not even a single scratch was found in him. His vital organs were also in good condition. And Timmy said that all looked around the house, and John was nowhere to be found. It’s also impossible that he just sneaked in, for his mom was near his room’s door and never left her place since she checked his room. Hon, I’m really having a bad thinking that this is all the book’s fault. Have you thrown it?”

“I haven’t. we’ll throw it. Tomorrow.”

And so we threw it. We threw it in a river along the road to my pad. Jane and I saw it sinking. I wished at that moment to end all the weird things that were happening to us. I wish… I wish…

Saturday. Six days after John died. I went to the park where I had a dream and found the book. I had this strange feeling that the book has the responsibility of what’s happening. I keenly observed the close-to-be-deserted park, for it’s already pass 11 in the evening, searching for the acacia tree I found in my dreams, when suddenly, the surrounding went black. I told my self that it’s happening again. Suddenly, I found myself sitting in a very comfortable couch and saw Timmy, hiding her one hand in her back. She looked at me keenly. Straight into my eyes. I was startled. I don’t know why. “Timmy, what’s wrong?” I asked. “You’re the wrong!!!” she replied. Right then, she showed her hidden hand, holding a dagger. She laughed, and all of a sudden, raised the dagger and thrust it to herself. I hurriedly went to her to stop her, but I was late. When I came to her, I abruptly took the dagger away, but was stunned upon seeing it. It was very familiar… it exactly looked like the blood covered dagger in my dream! “This is just a dream… this can’t be happening, no, no!” I told myself. Right then, I felt a n embrace coming from my back --- it was the creature in one of my dreams. “I’m sorry, I had to do this…” she cried, with her embrace getting tighter. I shouted, and shouted… until I heard someone knocking. “Sir, it seems like you fell asleep. You were blowing your horn for minutes now…” it was a police. Whew, glad it was all a dream!

Sunday morning. I went to Timmy’s place to tell what has happened in my dream, but she’s not home. Her mama told me that Timmy’s out of town with Ice since Thursday to unwind and forget about what happened to John. So, I just called Timmy, but her phone is out of reach. And so I called Ice, asking where they were, because I really need to speak with Timmy. I started to get agitated when Ice told me they were not together, that their trip was cancelled because they had some misunderstanding. I hurriedly told her mother about Timmy. “Naku yang batang yan oo. Don’t worry, itetext ka nyan! Baka she slept over with a classmate. Alam mo na, bakasyon.” Timmy’s mom said. “But don’t go yet, accompany me here. It’s been quite a while since you went here. Antayin mo na siya.”

“It’s getting late. Alam naman ni Timmy na nag-aalala ako pag wala pa siya ng ganitong oras pag Linggo. San na kaya yun?” her mom stated worriedly.

And so we waited for Timmy. But no Timmy showed up. It was 10 in the evening when I decided to go home. I tried to give Timmy’s number a ring but it’s still out of range. I called her mom to check if she’s home, but she’s not home still. 12 midnight. I was starting my sleep, when my phone rang. It was Timmy’s mother. Timmy was found in her room. Dead. It was exactly a week after John died! Why do these things happen? First it was John. Then Timmy. After them, I’m next in line!

Four days after Timmy’s death, I decided to have a vacation. To unwind. I went home with Jane. It was for 2 days. We went back to Manila come Saturday. We were stunned when we came back to my pad. The book we threw was in my bed again! I was stopped. It’s as if my world was in slow-mo. For a moment, I was in ecstasy. Then, all of a sudden, my environment turned black. It’s happening again! I was about to search and grab Jane’s hand but was startled. I am in front of a close to die acacia tree. Right in the evident roots of it, I found a blood covered dagger. All of a sudden, a silhouette of an old woman appeared in front. As it slowly unveils itself, I had the strong feeling that she was the creature in my dreams. “Who are you?” I said.

“I’ve waited so long for this moment. My son…”

“What are you saying? You… you killed my friends!!!”

“No I didn’t… you killed them… Son, aren’t you happy? We’ll be together now… You don’t have any reason to stay in this world. You have no family, no friends.”

“No! You’re not my mother!” I cried. Suddenly, I ran and picked the dagger from the evident roots of the tree and thrust the dagger in the creature’s body because of my outrage.

Right then, I heard someone crying. As I opened my eyes, I saw Jane. “Why? Did I do something wrong?” Jane uttered. A tear rolled in her cheek and involuntarily closed her eyes. I killed her! I heard a voice in my mind at that point. “You did it! Bwahahah! You removed every reason for you to stay in the world!” I then realized one thing --- my wish was also granted --- to be with my real mother…

just read and FINISH IT!!!

2005-03-14T17:01:00.000+08:00

just received this one from someone... it's a cool story and it's worth the time!!!
enjoy!

TAPUSIN NYONG BASAHIN... IT'S A BEAUTIFUL LOVE
> STORY....
> I HOPE MA-TOUCH DIN ANG MGA PUSO NYO...
>
>
> They've known each other since school days and had
> since
> become the best of friends. They shared everything
> and
> anything and spent lots of time together in and
> after
> school. But...the friendship never developed into
> anything deeper.
>
>
> Diane kept a secret...her admiration and love for
> Jack.
> She had her reasons for keeping it a secret. FEAR.
> Fear
> of rejection... Fear that he might not feel the
> same...
> fear that he might not want to be her best friend
> anymore... fear of losing someone that she could
> always
> find comfort in. At least if she kept her feelings
> to
> herself she would still be able to spend time with
> him... and hopefully, he would be the one to tell
> her
> how he felt towards her.
>
>
> Time passed and soon...school was over. Jack and
> Diane
> went separate ways. Jack continued his studies
> overseas
> while Diane got herself a job. They still kept in
> touch
> though... penned letters, sent each other
> photographs and
> mailed each other gifts. Diane longed for Jack to be
> back.
>
>
> She decided that she would tell him her feelings
> once he
> got back. And then... out of the blue... the mails
> from
> Jack stopped coming. Diane wrote to him, but there
> was
> never a reply. Where was he? What happened? Lots of
> questions ran through her mind...
>
>
> Two years passed and Diane was still hopeful that
> Jack
> would come back... or at least send her a note. And
> then
> her prayers were answered. One mid-August day, she
> received
> a note from Jack... it said: "Diane, I have a
> surprise for
> you. I'm flying over. Meet me at the airport. My
> flight
> comes in at 4 p.m. on Saturday. I can't wait to see
> you
> again Diane! There's something I need to tell you,
> something
> I've been keeping all this time... Love n Kisses
> Jack"
> Diane's fingers shook as she read the note. Her
> heart soared.
> Diane was thrilled. Love and kisses... it meant a
> lot for a
> lady who had waited so long for those words. She was
> ecstatic.
>
>
> The day arrived, Diane waited anxiously for Jack.
> She had
> slipped into her best dress and did her best to look
> as
> pretty as she could. She looked around but Jack was
> nowhere
> in sight. She waited and waited, wondering what she
> would say
> to Jack when he got there, what their meeting would
> be like.
> Would there be love in his eyes? Would there be
> longing bred
> from years of separation and hiding each others'
> feelings?
> Oh how she longed to see him! How she longed to
> throw her arms
> around him and tell him she was a fool to ever let
> him go
> without ever telling him how she felt. She was
> certain Jack
> felt it too. There was always a certain magic about
> them when
> they were together.
>
>
> Then... a lady in a sexy tight blue dress approached
> her.
> She had a very concerned look on her face, "Hi! I'm
> Lyn, a
> friend of Jack. Are you Diane?" she asked. Diane
> just nodded
> her head. "I'm afraid I... I have bad news for
> you... Jack is
> not coming... he won't be coming back anymore," said
> the lady,
> placing a hand on Diane's shoulder. Diane shook her
> head in
> confusion. She felt her heart constrict. What could
> possibly
> have happened?? Diane felt an overwhelming fear
> inside her.
> Her hands turned cold. Her voice shook as she asked:
> "Where ----
> where's Jack? What happened to him??? Please tell
> me..." Diane
> begged the lady... The lady looked intently at
> Diane... and
> then..... she gave Diane a nudge on the shoulder and
> said,
>
>
> "HOY GAGA... IT'S ME... JACK... JACKILYN!!!!!! DI MO
> BA AKO
> NAKILALA?!!! ANG GANDA KO NGAYON, DI BAAAAH?!!!!

just a new one!

2005-03-09T18:35:00.000+08:00

it was later today that i had the most pressured times of my college days... huh!

i was asked if i really want to be the president of our organization... honestly??? well, i really want to. it's too tempting - just like a very rocky road ice cream in a cone waiting to be touched by a tongue... hah!!! but i did't leave any assurance that i really like it when they actually offered it to me. Why? simple!!! i just don't want putting something my pocket cannot contain! In my capabilities, strengths and weaknesses, i know i can handle it. BUT WITH A LOT OF SACRIFICING!
and i think it's not healthy for me anymore drooling ma whole self to only one thing. i'm not used to it. what i mean is that i am not someone that is contented in doing only one thing. i want to do many things... but the presidency will not permit me to do so. i have to draw my whole attention to the organization.

i still want to dance! to sing! and i think i wont be able to do such things if i will be elected as the president. honestly, i still don't know yet if i am not the president of the organization... but a reliable source told me that i am not...
am i somewhat hurt? nope. or some regrets? i don't want to be hippocrite... truthfully, i had some regrets. for it is a position that opens a lot of doors... and i know i will benefit the most. but i think it's time for me not to be thinking of the positive side of it, but its negatives too.

yes, i wanted it badly. but i think i can still serve our organization in any position i can handle. i just don't want to regret things in the future. and i don't want to accept things i that are out of my powers! whehehehe!

i write these because the feelings are overflowing out of me. there is this fulfillment i feel for not letting myself in a position of uncertainty... i know i won in this battle. and i've MADE THE RIGHT DECISION!!!

just to quote: asking for something more than your reach is a sin, not only to God, but to yourself as well. For it is in the measurement of discipline that people are categorized, and not the measure of what they have...

what a blast!!!

2005-02-26T22:22:00.000+08:00

this is me and ma gurl!!!

shh.. this is the real me...

it was just minutes now that i've realized MORE how lucky i am for having such wonderful and very happy life! and i now strengthen my idealism and the "purpose" God gave me --- to give strength to others! i have discovered that purpose since high school. i have obsereved that God doesn't give me so much problems as others have. at first i was quite sad about it. i thought God thinks im not strong --- for they say that God only give trials if he know we can handle it. but to what i've experienced, i haven't had what i call "heavy" problem. and then ive realized that god has a better plan for me --- by giving strength to others...

and i am very much happy for it....

and contented for what life is continuosly giving me...

this is my OWN first short story...

2005-02-26T21:32:00.000+08:00

K A T R E
mauzinisterice

Isang gabing ako’y nagninilay-nilay sa isang sulok ng isang estrangherong silid, may mga alaalang pilit na tumungo sa aking diwa, na waring nag-iimbitang aking balikan. Mga alaalang pumuno at nagbigay-buhay sa panandalian kong pananatili sa di permanenteng katauhang sa aki’y ipinahiram at mga pangyayaring pilit na nag-uunahang bumalik sa aking kamalayan. Hindi ko na tuloy namalayang umaagos na pala ang nagpapaligsahang patak ng luha mula sa aking mga matang nawalan na ng ningning, dahil marahil sa alaala ng aking nakaraang sumukob sa aking kabuuan. Ah! Tila yata’t ako’y nagsisimula na namang dalawin ng aking mapang-angking emosyon --- mga emosyong malimit pumukaw sa aking ulirat mula sa pagmulat hanggang sa pagpikit ng aking mga mata. Lahat! Lahat ng mga pangyayari’y tila nakaprograma na sa aking utak. Ngunit iisa lamang ang nakapagpapakalma sa akin --- ang nag-iisa kong katre --- katreng di ko na maaari pang mahihigaan.

Noong ako’y musmos pa lamang, ang aking katre’y nagtataglay pa ng malakas at matikas na tindig na tila humihikayat sa sinumang makakita na ito’y sunggaban at damhin ang kaginhawahang maibibigay nito. Ngunit sa ngayon kaya’y naroon pa rin ang kakisigang taglay niya? Kumupas na kaya siya’t napag-iwanan na rin ng panahon? Kunsabagay, ilang beses ko na bang pinukpok ng martilyo’t binaunan ng sandamakmak na pako ang ilan, o di kaya’y halos lahat na ata ng parte ng aking payak na higaan? Ilang litro na rin ba ng barnis at pintura ang aking inubos upang panatilihin ang kaakit-akit nitong anyo? Ngunit magkagayon ma’y marami-rami na rin ang pinagsamahan namin ng aking katre. Ilang luha na rin ang pumatak sa kanya dahil sa mga kabiguang aking nalasap buhat pa sa kamusmusan. Siya ang aking santungan --- pinagkukunan ng lakas. Naaalala ko pa nga noong ako’y malimit paluin ng aking… ina nga ba ang nararapat ituring sa isang babaeng di ko naman kaanu-ano? Isang babaeng nagmulat sa mura kong katawan sa mabibigat na gawaing-kalye. Oo. Bata pa lamang ako’y nagsimula na akong magtrabaho --- naging kargador, tiga-tulak ng mga sasakyang tumitirik sa baha tuwing tag-ulan. Kusabagay, pabigat lamang daw ako. Mabuti nga raw at ako’y kanya pang kinupkop nang ako’y makita nilang umiiyak at naglalakad ng walang direksyon.

Biyernes noon. Araw ng Quiapo. Maraming tao. Ako’y natagpuan ng mag-asawang hindi biniyayaan ng anak` na umiiyak at naglalakad na tila may hinahanap sa bangketa ng Quiapo. Mga tatlong taon daw ako noon. May suot daw akong relo ni Jollibee, naka-short na maong at asul na t-shirt na may bolang pumupopot sa gitna. Hah…! Hanggang ngayon pa ata’y nakatago pa iyon sa ilalim ng katre ko.

Kung tutuusi’y hindi naman talaga ang kinagisnan kong ina ang nagnais na ako’y kupkupin. Yung asawa niya --- ang nagpadama sa akin ng tunay na pagmamahal. Ngunit iyo’y panandalian lamang --- sapagkat ako’y kanyang nilisan at iniwang mag-isa sa piling ng mapang-abuso niyang asawa. Naaksidente siya sa trabaho niya sa construction. Nahulog siya sa ika-7 palapang ng isang establisyimentong kanilang binubuo. Kahit na ako’y nasa walong taon pa lamang noo’y labis ko iyong dinala sa loob rin ng ilang buwan. At tanging isa lamang ang naging karamay ko --- ang aking katre.

Sa ganoon lumakad ang panahon. Sa ganoon umikot ang aking mundo. Lumaki akong di man lang nalasap ang tunay na kahulugan ng laro. Di ko man lang nakabisa ang mga letra sa Ingles, dahil hanggang elementarya lamang ang natuntong ko. Di rin ako natapos dahil wala nang amang tutustos sa akin. Walang direksyon ang aking masalimuot na buhay. Ngunit sa wakas ay nakawala na rin ako sa hawlang binuo ng nakagisnan kong ina. Nilisan na rin niya ang mundo dahil sa sakit na goiter. Mag-isa na lang ako sa aming mumunting dampa.

Hindi lumaon, napabilang ako sa mga kabataang naging patapon ang buhay. Nalulon
ako sa iba’t ibang uri ng bisyo. Alak, sigarilyo, droga, marijuana, at kung minamalas at walang pambili, rugby lang ang katapat. At dahil sa wala akong tinapos, hindi ako tinanggap sa lahat ng disenteng trabahong pinasukan ko. Ang resulta, wala na akong pantustos sa bisyo ko. Kaya tuloy napilitan akong gamitin na ang laman na tanging hindi nabanat at nagalaw mula pa sa aking kamusmusan. Nagbenta ako ng laman --- panandaliang aliw. Mga babae, bakla, matrona, o kung minsan pa nga’y mga lalaki. Mapuputi, maiitim, matatanda, bata, teen-ager --- yan ang mga costumer ko. Hanggang sa maging star dancer ako sa isang gay bar dala na rin marahil sa taglay kong kakisigan. Dito’y nalimot ko na ang katreng lagi kong karamay at kakampi dahil sa iba’t ibang kama na ang hinihigaan ko.

Isa sa mga gabi ng aking pagtatanghal, ang aking “Big Night,” ang mga suki kong matrona’y may ipinakilala sa akin matapos ang aking palabas. Tulad rin nila --- naghahanap ng lalaking kakanti sa kanilang libido sa katawan. Ngunit tila siya’y iba sa kanila. Iba ang pakiramdam ko sa kanya. Disente siya at hindi garapal. Maganda pa rin siya bagamat di na maitatago ang ilang linya sa kanyang mukha. Sa una pa lamang ay alam kong magkakasundo kami.

Mabilis lumipas ang panahon. Di rin nagtagal ay naging regular na kostumer ko na siya. At dumating pa ang puntong gabi-gabi na kung siya’y magpunta ng bar at di na ko tumeteybol sa iba --- sa kanya na lang. Ang resulta, nagkaroon kami ng relasyon. Isang malalim na relasyon. Humantong pa nga iyon sa pag-uwi ko sa kanya sa bahay ko. At ang katre ko --- nahigaan ko ulit. Ngunit di na iyon tulad ng dati. Sapagkat may kasalo na kong dadagan sa kanya at magtatampisaw sa kaligayahan sa pusikit na karimlan ng gabi. Muli ko na namang nakasama ang katre ko --- ngunit ngayo’y sa kasiyahan ko naman siya kasalo. Sapagkat noon ko lamang nadama ang tunay na pagmamahal mula sa isang kauri ni Eba na kahit ang kinagisnan kong ina’y di naipadama sa akin. Buti na lamang at ako’y nahantong sa ganitong buhay at nadama ang tunay na pagmamahal. Salamat na rin sa aking kinagisnang ina…

Hah! Sumasakit ang aking ulo. Mag-uumaga na naman. Bukas, makikita at makakasalamuha ko na naman ang mga magugulo, ngunit totoong tao dito. Kung maaari lang sana’y ayoko nang umalis dito… nais kong mas tumagal pa ang pagsasamahan namin ng mga taong kasama ko rito. Ngunit ilang buwan na lamang at ako’y aalis na rin…
Haay… araw na naman ng dalaw. Siguradong malulungkot na naman ako dahil sa inggit. Itong isa kong kosa, dinalaw na rin ulit ni misis. Napatigil tuloy ako’t naalala na naman ang nakaraan… ang buhay ko noong kapiling ko pa ang aking mahal…

Wala na siyang pamilya. Yan ang kuwento niya sa akin. Ngunit di naiwasan ng kanyang mga pagkakaila ang utos ng tadhana. May asawa siya. Tatlo ang anak. Nang siya’y aking kumprontahin, di na niya iyon naitatwa. Nagtapat na siya sa akin. Sinabi niya ang lahat lahat. Kung papaano niya naging kabarkada ang dati kong mga suki, kung papaano siya natutong magpunta ng gay bar, kung bakit siya napunta sa akin.

Nasira ang kanilang relasyon ng kanyang asawa nang ang kanilang kaisa-isang bunsong anak ay mawala. Labinsiyan na taon na ang nakalilipas nang ito’y maganap. Namasyal sila noon at nagsimba sa Quiapo dahil noo’y Biyernes, araw ng Quiapo na nataong kaarawan naman ng kanyang mahal na bunso. Pinamili nila ito ng mga damit. Sa sobrang katuwaan nga ng bunso nila’y isinuot kaagad ang bagong asul na t-shirt na may bolang pumupoput-popot sa gitna. Lalo pang nasiyahan ang 3 taong bata nang ibigay nila sa kanya ang pinangarap na relo ni Jollibee. Ngunit nang siya’y maghanap ng CR at iwanan ang kanilang bunso sa kanyang esposo, bumalik siyang wala nang nakitang bunso na sasalubong sa kanya. Napabayaan ng kanyang asawa ang ang pagbabantay rito nang may makitang kakilalang babae at kinausap. Ang masaklap pa nito’y natuklasan niyang ang babaeng kausap ng kanyang asawa’y kanya palang kalaguyo. Dahil sa pangyayaring iyo’y di na muling naibalik ang dati nilang magandang patitinginan. Humantong pa nga iyon sa pananakit sa kanya nito.
Pag-uwi ko ng bahay, akin muling naalala ang katreng lagi kong karamay. Mahaba-haba na rin pala ang panahong di ko ito nasarili. Napansin ko tuloy na ito’y tila nangungulila na sa akin. Ako’y muling nagmuni-muni rito. Sa aking pag-iisip ay mayroon akong naalala --- ang kuwento ng aking kasuyo. Di ko mawari kung bakit ang pintig ng aking puso’y bumilis ng bumilis. Tila ba ako’y mabibingi sa bawat katagang bumabalik sa pandinig, “Labinsiyam na taon na ang nakalilipas nang mawala ang aking bunso…” Napatigil ako. Nagsimula akong kilabutan. Pakiwari ko’y ako’y isinasalang sa isang pugon dahil sa tila walang katapusang pagtulo ng pawis sa aking katawan… ako’y beinte uno na ngayon at tatlong taon nang ako’y matagpuan ng aking ama sa Quiapo… Quiapo! Sa Quiapo nawala ang bunso nila! Hindi ito maaari…hindi! Hah! Ngayon ata umiipekto ang gamot na tinira ko kahapon eh… Isa lamang ito sa mga kahibangan ko! Ngunit ang relo… may relo rin ako ng matagpuan… at yung t-shirt na asul… Aaaahhh!!! Hindi… kailangan kong limutin at alisin sa aking utak ang kabaliwang ito. Ngunit ako’y di makatulog. Buwisit! P----- --na!!!

Hinanap ko ang relo ko nung ako’y matagpuan sa may Quiapo. Hinalughog ko ang kabuuan ng aking kuwarto at sa ilalim ng katre ko ito natagpuan na kasama pa ang asul na t-shirt sa isang kahon. Naroroon pa rin at di pa burado ang aking dating pangalan… “ICE MARU”… malinaw pa!

Sa aking kalituhan, sa kalaliman ng gabi, alas-11, dali-dali akong tumalima sa utos ng aking isip. Tinungo ko ang isa sa dalawang address na ibinigay sa akin ng aking mahal dala ang aking nag-iisang relo. Ngunit di ko natagpuan ang aking kasuyo. Tanging ang kanyang matandang asawa lamang ang aking dinatnan. Nasa isang address ito. At pagkakita pa lang sa aki’y ako’y kanya nang itinaboy at pinagmumura pa. Dala marahil ng halu-halong emosyong sumukob sa aking kabuua’y nasakal ko ang matanda hanggang sa ito’y malagutan ng hininga. Dagdag pa ng pagkasuklam na nadama ko sa kanya dahil sa pambubugbog niya sa aking minamahal. P-------na! Problema na naman ito!

Sa aking pagkasindak, iniuwi ko ang bangkay matapos ko itong balutin ng sangkatutak na kumot at sineal ng package tape sa tulong ng isang taxi. Sa bahay, inisip ko kung saan ko ito maaring itago. Tama! Dun sa hindi mahahalata. Mabuti na lamang at may kalayuan ang mga kapitbahay ko. Nabili ko na rin ang bahay at di ko na aalalahanin kung may magpupunta pang ibang tao roon.

Paglipas ng tatlong araw, may isang di inaasahang bisita akong dumating --- ang aking kasuyo na nangungumusta sa dahilang di ako nagpunta ng gay bar sa nakalipas na tatlong araw. Hindi ko alam kung papaano ko siya haharapin --- di ko alam kung ano ang aking sasabihin. Kaya ang nasabi ko na lamang ay nagpahinga lamang ako dahil di ko pa iyon nagawa sapul nang magsayaw at magpa-pick-up ako sa gay bar. Ang sagot niya'y mas maganda raw kung sinabihan ko siya upang nasamahan niya ko sa aking pagpapahinga. Sa katagalan ng aming usapan, nasambit niya niyang nawawala ang kanyang asawa. Nagitla ako sa aking narinig. Nagpanting ang aking mga tenga. Kailangang maiba ang aming usapan. Mahal ko siya. Ayaw kong mamuhi siya sa akin. Ang tanging nagawa ko na lamang ay ayain at akitin siyang magtampisaw muli sa tubig ng pagkakasala. Hindi ko alam kung ano bang kung ano ang pumapasok sa aking katauhan at iyo’y nagagawa ko pa. Siya ang aking ina --- ngunit tila nangingibabaw ang aking pag-ibig para sa kanya! Subalit di pa naman ako tiyak kung siya nga ang aking ina.

Bigla siyang natigilan. Bigla siyang napapitlag sa isang umaalingasaw na amoy ng isang bagay na di maipaliwanag kung saan nagmula --- nakasusuka, nakapandidiri. Alam ko na kung ano ang kanyang tinutukoy… Pilit ko siyang inilayo sa gayong kaisipan at pinilit na ituloy ang aming pagtatampisaw sa karimlan ng umaga. Ngunit mapilit siya. Sinabi niyang kailangan ko daw malaman kung ano yun dahil maaari daw iyong maging mitsa upang ako'y dapuan ng sakit. Sa sobrang pag-aalala, ako'y nataranta. Hindi ko na naitago pa at ipinagtapat ko na kung ano ang kanyang kanina pang naamoy. Nabigla siya --- hindi ko alam… pero tila yata't ako'y nagsisimula na niyang kasuklaman. Ngunit ako'y nagkamali. Sinabi niyang siya'y wala nang pakialam kung anuman ang nangyari sa kanyang asawa. Wala na daw siyang pakialam. Kaya itinuloy ko na lamang ang pagtatrabaho sa kanya at pilit ko siyang pinaligaya. Ngunit nang kanya nang aalisin ang aking pantalon upang muling matikman ang katawan kong nalaspag na ng trabaho'y nakapa niya ang isang bagay na bumukol sa aking bulsa --- ang nag-iisa kong relo. Nang ito'y kanyang tingnan, siya'y nasindak at napatigil sa kanyang ginagawa. May mga luhang namuo sa kanyang mga mata. Tinanong niya ako kung saan ko iyon galing. Itinanggi kong iyo'y akin sapagkat natatakot akong maganap ang tagpong aking kinatatakutan --- ang malaman ang katotohanan. Nagsimula siyang umiyak at magkuwento tungkol sa kanyang bunso. Yun daw ang relong ibinili niya sa bunso niya nung sila'y namasyal. Hindi raw siya maaaring magkamali! ICE MARU ang pangalan ng kanyang bunso. Tumigil sa pag-inog ang mundo ko. Sapat na iyon upang ako'y magising sa isang bangungot na nilikha ng panahon… ICE MARU ang tunay kong pangalan ngunit ito'y iniba lamang noong ako'y tuluyang ampunin ng mag-asawang kumupkop sa akin. Aaahhh!!! Mahal ko siya. Mahal niya ako. Ayoko ng harapin ang katotohanan. Ayoko na…

Tuloy siya sa pagkukuwento. Ngunit siya'y lalong nagitla nang makita ang asul na t-shirt sa sofa ng sala. Pilit niya akong tinanong kung kanino at saan ko iyon nakuha. Hindi ko na nakaya…sasabog na ako…niyakap ko siya ng mahigpit --- mahigpit na mahigpit. Walang nang emosyon sa aking mukha. Napagod na ata ang aking mga matang di na pumikit sa tatlong araw na pag-iisip. Sinabi ko sa kanyang ayaw ko, ngunit pilit na pinatutunayan ng mga pagkakataon. Isang sigaw ang binitawan ko… “INAAYYY, NANAY KO…!!! Pero MAHAL KITA… MAHAL NA MAHALLL!!!”

Tumigil siya sa pag-iyak. Kumalas ako sa pagkakayakap sa kanya. Nakatingin siya sa kawalan, nanginginig. Ako naman ang umiyak. Hinalikan ko siya sa labi --- isang mariing halik. Ngunit di siya sumagot. Tinitigan ko siya. Nagulantang ako nang siya'y tumayo. Humagulgol siya't tinungo ang pinto. Humarap siya sa akin --- tumawa… malutong na halakhak. Matapos ay tumakbo papalabas at nagsisigaw. Hinabol ko siya. Ngunit di ko na inabutan.

Nagulat ako nang tapikin ang aking balikat ng kosa ko. Hindi ko na tuloy naitago sa kanila ang dali-daling bumagsak na luha sa aking mga mata. Kakain na pala --- tanghalian na.
Ang oras ay lumipas. Ang araw ay napakabilis. Ang mga pahina ng kalendaryo’y mabilis na nababawasan. Ang dating estrangherong silid ay naging kaibigan ko na rin. Sa katagalan na rin siguro ng panahong itinigil ko sa dito’y nakabisa ko na ang apat na sulok ng silid na ito. Ngunit ang katreng hinihigaan ko, kahit magpasahanggang ngayo’y di ko pa rin lubusang matanggap bilang kaisa sa aking pagharap sa buhay. Iba pa rin kasi ito mula sa katreng dumamay at kumalinga sa akin. Puno pa rin ako ng kanyang mga alaala at ng kanyang kaginhawahan. Nasaan na kaya ito ngayon?

Matapos kumain, tinawag na ako ng isa sa mga guwardiya ng bilangguan. Niyakap ako ng mga kakosa ko bago ko nilandas ang daan patungo sa tumatawag sa akin. Kinausap ako ng taong nakaupo. Ngunit parang di ko siya maaninag at marinig dala ng nakabibinging alaalang bumabalot na naman sa akin.

Ilang araw matapos ang pagkumpronta ko sa katotohanan, ipinagiba ko ang aking bahay. Ngunit hindi pa ito natatapos ay may mga pulis nang sumundo sa akin. Isa raw ako sa mga suspek sa pagkawala ng isang matandang lalaki.

Mabilis lumakad ang mga kamay ng orasan at napagtibay ang mga ebidensiyang laban akin --- natagpuan ang bangkay ng lalaking nakabalot ng mga kumot at package tape sa giray giray kong bahay sa ilalim ng isang katre. Napatunayang ako'y nagkasala.

Dahan-dahang lumiliwanag ang paligid. Isang lalaking nakaputi at may suot na krus at dalang makapal na libro ang nakahawak sa aking kalbong ulo ang naririnig kong bumubulong.

Pagkatapos ay may 2 lalaking nakauniporme ang humawak sa akin at iniluklok ako sa isang silyang dati'y nakikita ko lamang sa mga diyaryo at telebisyon. Ngunit ngayo'y ako na ang sapo nito --- ang silyang may tila helmet na isinuklob sa akin at nakapagbigay sa akin ng ganap na katahimikan…

this was the turning point of my life...

2005-02-26T20:51:00.000+08:00

July 14, 2003
Monday
11:40 am
Del Carmen, Lubao, Pampanga

It was just last week that I’ve faced the most tragic incident in my life, which almost, almost killed me. Today, as I start my new life (for this is definitely my new life), the memories of the events are too vivid…

Friday, the 11th of July, 1:00 pm, I had my last natural manure, as Jonas and I jammed. Later that day, at 5:00 pm, my girlfriend, Chez and I went to SM City Manila (as we usually do after class), to canvass cell phones for Chez to buy a new one. But suddenly, I had this strange feeling in my body frame that strucked me, not permitting me to move well --- a stomachache. It was 6:00 by then that I told my girl what I felt. She asked me not to continue the canvassing. But because I thought it was just the ‘usual’ stomachache that everybody feels (which I feel rarely), I insisted to pursue it. At 7:00 pm, we decided to go home and at 7:45 pm, we parted ways. I thank Chris, my classmate for lending me his 2nd book of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, for because of that book, I forgot the ‘stomachache’ even for just a while riding a public jeepney.

From the time I’ve went down from the jeepney, the ‘usual’ stomachache that I thought developed into a more painful ache. The moment I’ve reached home, I paused for a while and lie down before changing clothes. After changing, I thought of eating supper for that is the thing I must do for that moment, but wasn’t able to for the pain is already excruciating. What I did was lay down my bed and rest again, for I thought, the reason of the hurting is the air from my stomach. An hour had passed and still, it is excruciating. Later on, I went to the comfort room to do the ‘usual thing,’ which I normally do early in the morning. But to my surprise, nothing went out, even air, which I expected to come out. I started to doubt at that moment that something was wrong, that what I am feeling, is not the ‘usual’ stomachache everyone feels. At 11:00 pm, though, I took supper still, for I know, I’ll need it BADLY. From that night till dawn, I didn’t sleep.

Saturday, 7 o’clock, I got up, fixed myself and went to Masagana (a mini shopping mall in Ermita Taft), to meet the new students who will audition in our dance group, Computer Engineering Dancers. For at that day, I had a lot of activities to do. At 9:00, I’ll participate in a qualifying exam for the official publication of the Recognized Student Organizations in Adamson University, Ugnayan, a seminar will be next after the exams, then our dance rehearsals. At that evening, we are to go to our choreographer’s condo to finish some dance steps. But because of the unchanged condition of my stomach, I decided not to attend any activity on that day, because I know, there is something wrong in me. Then, I told myself, I’ll go home --- to Pampanga! At 10:00 am, I held a jeepney and went to the room we’re renting in Quezon City. I arrived at 10:45. I then arranged my things --- my books, toothbrush, deo, and stuff. But with the pain I feel, I decided to rest even for just an hour.

One o’clock pm, and I am inside a bus rolling its wheels through the concrete hi-way to Pampanga, thank God, I was able to sleep while I was in the bus. At 4 pm, I’ve reached home, surprising my mom with an unusual appearance. It’s obvious that something was hurting me (and as my mother, she feels it), my body. Striking the question, what’s the matter with me, I immediately told her what I felt. Then my mother told me to take lunch for I lost my appetite and didn’t eat anything from the time I woke up. After eating, she told me to take a rest and take a medicine (a painkiller which is also responsible for farting). We’ve waited then for me to fart for we all believe the cause of my ‘stomachache,’ is the bulky air in my tummy. We’ve waited and waited, but nothing happened. Tatay then decided to insert a suppository in my anus for me to fart. Yet nothing happened. Still, I suffer from the pain in the mid-section of my body. Unaware what is the cause of pain, I still managed to take even a bit of my dinner for I really lost my appetite. My aunt gave me a drug that could stop the ‘ache.’ Later that night, I had a fever. I even vomited. I was petrified! Asking my mom ‘bout the pamphlet about Hepatitis A, my pediatrician gave me when I had the illness, I suspected that Hepatitis is attacking me again (for its main symptoms are vomiting, fever, and lost of appetite). But after reading the pamphlet, I dismissed that thought for I didn’t turned yellowish, and slept quite well, maybe because of the drug my aunt gave me and my girlfriend’s father’s text message, telling me to get well.

Eight o’clock am of July 6, I woke up with the same pain I am feeling for the last 38 hours. But this time, the pain lowered down, leaving the section of my abdomen. At that moment, I called my mom. Yet, because of my voice, which appears to be a whisper, I just decided to wake up go downstairs. But because of the pain, I just found myself lying on the floor, holding my tummy with that appearance of a shrimp. My mom then found my state and hurried to comfort me. She was too agitated. Her care was all I needed at that moment. She told me not to worry for we will see a doctor. And at 9:30 in the morning, we’re drivin’ to a private doctor’s clinic.

Dr. Fernando, whose clinic stands in the heart of Sta. Cruz, Lubao, was the first physician who checked me up. He asked the history how I felt --- when I started feeling it, what did we do to lessen the pain, and what I feel at that moment. He pinned my stomach and asked me what part is hurting whenever he pin it. I was surprised when he pinned the lower right of the mid-section of my body and gasped, for it was the first time I noticed that it really hurts a lot. He then told us, my mother and I, that it was 60% appendicitis. But he refused to diagnose me at that point and told us to let my blood and urine tested. After few minutes, after we went to the nearest laboratory, we handed-in the results of the tests to the doctor. Dr. Fernando told us it was NOT YET appendicitis for they found out in the results that I have Urinary Tract Infection (UTI). He advised us to still observe my condition after taking his prescribed medicines. He told us that if I still feel the pain the next day, they must take me to the hospital for further observations and stop the intake pf the drugs he prescribed.

It was 12;00 that we reached home and told everyone what was the result of the check-up. But it was just 3 hours later, the pain I felt moved into a more agonizing state. My father told me to insert suppository for we all believed it’ll be gone after I did the usual thing or just fart. For we know, it was just the bulky air in my tummy because the doctor just told us that nothing was wrong in my stomach, save for UTI and we all suspected it was part of the symptoms. But instead or farting or so, I vomited. Then, the pain starts to kill me. Excruciating isn’t the apt word to describe what I felt at that moment, for it was far more than excruciating --- it’s as if it’s already knocking me out. I never saw my mom as worried as that moment. I was hugging her tightly --- as tight as I could at that point. ‘Masakit’ was the only word I can utter. It was as if I am in the state of innocence --- that all I know and concerned of is the word ‘MASAKIT.’ Tears feel from my suffering eyes unconsciously. It was the most painful day in my life that I even wished to be just dead! I can feel that something in my stomach was getting numb. My hands started to feel numb too. Then, I just found myself being carried into the car for I can’t even walk or just stand.

It was the fastest drive to the hospital for the people inside the car except for me. Because for me, it was the longest travel I ever had in my entire life. Every time we pass through a rough road, I utter a silent scream. When we reached the hospital, Tatay carried me up to the emergency room for there were no stretch chairs available. Doctors came near us by the time I was laid in a bed. And asked my mom and I what is wrong in me. Same procedure as Dr. Fernando, the doctor pinned his finger in my stomach. “It is appendicitis,” they said silently. With no further talking, a doctor came to me and told me he’s going to insert some hoses --- the dextrose, cat titer, and a hose, which will be inserted from my nose down through my abdomen (in which I’ve learned was called a lavage…if I can spell it right). The dextrose went first for they found out that I was already dehydrated because of the infection. Then, a hose was inserted to my nose, and afterwards, a hose through my penis. It hurts a lot. Especially, the hose was inserted 5 times or so in my penis for it always puffs out. Finally, after 4 attempts, it’s a success. I even asked the doctor if I still can reproduce to ease the tension I feel for my penis really hurts (man! If you could just imagine!) --- a lot!!!

It’s 7:00 pm that night, I found myself waiting outside the operating room, lying in a stretch chair. I felt silence even though I can hear people talking at quite a distant. It was the time for me to reflect. I told myself that after that day, I am already okay --- that it’s just like doing a tough dance rehearsal. I asked God to guide me and it’s all in His hands, that what He wants will reign. Then, at 7:20 pm, a guy rolled me in room. I then told myself, “This is it.” But to my surprise, I saw no one in the room except, perhaps, the apparatus and tools which may be used in my operation. Then the “bag” responsible for my urine slid from the bed I was transferred, pulling the hose from my penis and dropped itself on the floor. I looked at the hose to check if it was still in its proper place. But sadly, it came out again. Another agony! But I want to urinate --- I really wanted to --- badly! I called a doctor, a nurse. I even said ‘TAO PO!,’ to catch anyone’s attention. But 10 minutes had passed and no one answered me. I already felt that my urinary tract was full. And at last! After 20 minutes of suffering, a doctor came to me and told me to just urinate. But I can’t. Lying in bed and urinating? Uh… it’s disgusting! Then the doctor gave me a small trashcan and told me to urinate there. I have no choice --- I have to stand. To my amazement, I was able to stand straight easily. Then the doctor left me and I was able to release the cause of my temporary agony.

At 7:50 pm, my surgeon, who will be my doctor, Dr. Canlapan, inserted the cat titer again through my sex organ. Rushing through the door were the assistants of Dr. Canlapan and my anesthesiologist, Dr. Gutierrez. They started asking me while taking my blood pressure and body temperature. They asked if I had asthma or a heart disease, which I haven’t and if I was hospitalized. But even once in my life, I was never confined in a hospital except at that moment. Then, jokingly, I told the doctor (my anesthesiologist), that I want him to let me sleep while I am being operated. “Of course. But I’ll tell you when,” he answered.

The time was 8:15 pm, when Dr. Gutierrez, my anesthesiologist injected anesthesia through my spine --- at the lower section. The doctor told me it’ll quite hurt. “But after the injection,” as he added, “you won’t feel anything anymore.” But because of the many pain I felt that day, I didn’t find the injection painful. After 10 minutes, the lower part of my body felt numb --- from the section of my abdomen down to my toes’ nails. The doctor then told me it’s ok for me to sleep and then put oxygen on my nose. But to my surprise, I didn’t slept. I was wide-awake at the whole operation. At that moment, I felt safe --- secured. For at that moment in time, I know it’ll be over. The spider near the rounded shaped fluorescent lamp at the ceiling was the only thing I am looking at while the doctors were doing their thing. Upon opening the mid-section of my body and pulling my intestines out, the doctors were moved. I can hear them discuss things. They asked each other why were my intestines already like that. A doctor said the appendix was already 3 days. Then, I heard them vacuum my intestines (if my perception was right). From that moment on, my upper body started to shake --- like an epileptic. And at 8:55 pm, they closed the opened mid-section of my body and at 9 o’clock, they rolled me through the recovery room.

The time was pass 12:00 but I am not sure if it’s still nighttime. I consider it was already afternoon. I still can’t feel the half of my body. I even touched and pinched it to see if it’s still there (mahirap na!). Then, I reckoned what the doctor said. My appendix was already ruptured --- the infection started to scatter around my internal organs. Lucky for me for we still managed to be in time, or else, I’m dead. Dead. Dead? I never thought even once that my condition was already fatal except at that moment. But perhaps because I was still not conscious at that point, I care less ‘bout what might have happened. And one more thing is that my body is still shaking because of the anesthesia. All I care at that moment is the fact that I’m already safe…

I don’t know if the one checking me --- getting my BP, body temperature, injecting medicines and painkiller as she says --- was a nurse or a doctor. When she checked my body temperature, I heard her say, ’39.3.’ Then, she left my bed and came back telling me she’ll give me paracetamol for my fever.

Every now and then, Tatay always checks me because I am alone with no relatives in the recovery room. A relative only comes in when I need something. The first time I was transferred to the recovery room, it was my mom who attended me. She was shocked upon seeing me shaking. I immediately told her it was the effect of anesthesia in my body. Nut she still asked a doctor to make sure. After that, it was already my father --- he was the one checking my condition every now and then, asking the nurses/doctors what’s my state.

3:00, 6:00 pm, and still, I am in the recovery room. When Tatay came in to check me, I asked him why I am still inside that room. Why were the other patients just spent 2 or 3 hours in that room? Then, Tatay told me he didn’t know and went out. I then remembered that I was critical and thought perhaps, that the doctors were still observing my condition.

At last, at 9 o’clock am of July 8, I went down already to my (surgery) ward. The room was 109. There 6 beds in the room --- 3 at the right and left as well. Mine was the first bed at the right, touching the wall upon entering the room. The room was quite pleasant and clean. It has complete lightings and ventilation. It was on the first floor, found at the end of the aisle.

I know, the moment I was laid in my bed at the ward, I was already safe --- far from dying. But I still suffer from the hoses inserted in my body. I still don’t talk normal because of the hose inserted in my nose down to my abdomen. And of course, can’t move well because of my cat titer (the hose inserted in my sex organ). It was the second day that I don’t do anything but just lie in bed. I was still not permitted to sit or stand. Most of the time, I do sign languages to signal my mom some of my needs. That afternoon, the mid-section of my body throbbed again. It was excruciating. I grabbed my mom’s hand and pressed it when the pain attacks. My father then went out and called the nurse. Then, the nurse told me t’was normal. My intestines by then were arranging themselves to go back to their original position because the operation needed to pull out my intestines. We will know if they were in their proper position if I farted. Then, the nurse gave me a painkiller after 3 or 4 hours. Afterwards, I farted but I still can feel the air in my stomach.

The hose inserted in my nose drains wastes from my stomach. The first day t’was inserted, I almost fill the half of the one-liter bottle. Then, at the second day, a new bottle was replaced. I enjoyed looking at the hose whenever I inhaled, for when I inhale, liquid rush out through the hose, out to the bottle. There were three colors of liquid, which came out. The first one, which came out from the moment the hose was inserted was black, with that of pepsi; second is water clear, with that of sprite; and the last, orange, with that of royal.

A doctor, which happens to be one of my doctors (for we’ve learned that every patient has group of doctors depending on what color they belong, so all the doctors which belongs to that color are all doctors of the patient), Dr. Canlapan, told his assistant to remove the cat titer and the hose in my nose. I was relieved. At last I can move quite well (quite because I still have my dextrose). When the doctor told me, I can drink water and a biscuit. Yet, after I drank and ate biscuit, my stomach got bigger, as if it’ll explode. Tita Aning, which happens to accompany me that day, because my mother went home to get some of our stuffs, but will also return that afternoon, hurried to call a nurse. The nurse told me I musn’t be eating anything yet, except drink a small amount of water. Afterwards, she instructed me to change position every time for me to fart, because I am still lying in my bed and still can’t manage to rise. Gladly and relieving, I farted.

It was only on the fourth day, Wednesday, when my mom knew that my condition was already fatal after asking the doctor why was my surgery done under my navel down (with that of a caesarian). My surgery was almost 4 inches (3.5 to be exact), and contained 15 staple wires. The diagnosis of my condition was Petripiti Generalized Ruptured AP and the suggested operation was Generalized Appendectomy, as stated in my chart. My mom told me no one was permitted to read the chart except the nurses, interns, and doctors. But because it really caught my curiosity, I read it when no attendant is around.

When my father and mother washed my hair and shampoo it, one of my intern-nurses (because I have 2 --- Mark Anthony, a 3rd year, and Melody, a 4th year from Angeles University Foundation), Melody, asked if I was the only child. Maybe, because I was too much taken cared by my parents. And I am very much lucky and happy for that --- having the most, MOST wonderful, loving, and caring parents in the entire universe! I can’t ask for anything more!

It was Friday, my 5th day at the Jose B. Lingad Memorial Hospital, a.k.a., JBL, when my dextrose was removed. We were only waiting for our bill, and then we will be discharged. But because the doctor wans’t able to write in my chart, “for billing,” we weren’t able to have the bill and we’ll have to stay at the hospital until Saturday and wait for our bill.

Saturday. And I was too excited to get home. It was the very first time I felt bored staying in the hospital. I texted Elaine and told her I wasn’t home yet (for they are planning to visit me that day together with some classmates). I suggested that they would just come over on Sunday because we weren’t sure what time I will be discharged. But Elaine told me that I have to text Chez (my girlfriend) to tell her I wasn’t yet discharged. I don’t know what I felt at that moment --- too excited? Too happy? I don’t know! I then texted Chez and told her. Then she told me they wouldn’t go anymore. And I understand. They have loads of things to do. They have to rush dance rehearsals. I then texted Richie how was the practice going on, and told he me they weren’t yet starting. Afterwards, Chez what hospital I was in and asked why they were too slow in discharging patients. Later on, Elemer texted me too, also asking me what hospital I was in and told me he knew someone at the hospital.

While waiting to be discharged, I read my cell phone’s inbox. Suddenly, my father broke in, and told me my classmates were waiting outside. Tatay told me I can go outside since there were no visitors allowed on that hospital for SARS (Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome) prevention.

By the time I’ve reached the door and outside, I was moved --- not because I was frightened or something but because I was shocked, for the people I saw --- my friends, especially my girlfriend. I felt by then that my world had stopped for seconds. I don’t know what to feel. Suddenly, my eyes were starting to secrete liquid. But no. I don’t want to be demonstrative. Then, my mom tapped and guided me outside. I then too a deep breath, and whalla…! I stopped the tears, which were about to fall. When I got close with my friends, who traveled from Manila to Pampanga just to see me, we just looked at each other uttering not even a single word. After seconds, they laughed and I smiled, ‘coz I still can’t laugh --- not because I don’t feel happy, but because I have to control it for it’ll hurt a lot to my surgery.

Chez, my girlfriend, and Princess, Jam, Elmer, and Richie were my good friends. I never expected they will come that far just to see me. God knows how I longed for them --- I missed them. Then, suddenly, I just see them right in front of my very eyes, took a lot of effort to find me (for they haven’t been to any place in Pampanga). I was too touched! I felt very much important. They really love me! And I love them too. Then, Jonas, also my good friend, called me and extended his apology for he weren’t able to go with them. Well, it’s okay. At least, he called me.

It was just when I was already discharged and got home when I fully realize what happened and might happen to me. I then reflected. I almost bid goodbye to the world; almost stopped me to see its beauty. Then I thanked God for giving me a new life. My mind was opened by then that it’s too easy to lose your heartbeat and lie in a casket peacefully --- but you barely know when, how, and where it will take place.

Now, as I start my new life, I always assess my actions. What if my tomorrow never comes and left things undone? Ah… I won’t let it happen --- this is my second, beautiful life…

July 31, 2003
Thursday
11:14 pm
1076 Trini St.
Ermita, Manila